ISSUE 91

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 Presenting the Smart Shit, the first in computerized toilet technology. Bowel movements have never been easier with an optimistic personality to encourage you along the way and applause when you hit that perfect ten.
Smart Shit comes pre-programmed with encouragement to keep you going during tough times like, “I can tell you’ve been eating a lot of fiber!”, “Wow! You’re giving a lot of effort.”, and “PUSH! PUSH! UNNNNGGGGHHHH.”
 It’s Wi-Fi-enabled, which means you can share your best dumps with friends, enemies, and people you simply don’t want to talk to anymore. Instead of politics or get-togethers, post things like, “Hells yeah.” “Do I have cancer, or was it the beets?” Or “Popped out an eleven-inch log this morning. No sweat.” Take that Jenny! Your photos of avocados mean nothing now.
 The Smart Shit uses minimal water, to the point where you wonder if this thing is actually going to work. Is it normally that low, or will you have to sprint out of the restroom as the repercussions of Taco Tuesday come over the side? All we know is we’re saving the environment, one flooded bathroom at a time. 
 We don’t want to go into too much detail, but Smart Shit also has a water spray feature to help clean up, like what the French use but not as classy. Think less of a gentle, cleansing spray and more being water boarded from the bottom up. You went into the bathroom thinking you had to poop. You didn’t know you would be catching America’s number one terrorist—or that the terrorist would be you.
 And don’t forget Smart Shit’s turbo velocity automatic flush feature. Being terrified at your most vulnerable is nothing new, as most automatic toilets will randomly decide there’s no one there and try to suck your genitals into the bowels of the earth. But we took this concept and revolutionized it.
 The intent is to scare your digested lunch out of you, meaning we added a hand. There’s no telling where this hand will come from, but with a cold, clammy grasp and heavy breathing over Smart Shit’s speakers, you’ll be done within seconds.
​ Do note this feature should not be used by elderly individuals and people with low blood sugar, as not too many made it through the initial tests. However, if you need a way to speed Aunt Joan from recliner to casket, this might be the answer—an answer, we might add, that is bulletproof in court. 
 The Smart Shit can be installed in communal restrooms where people can be forced to be blessed by this toilet’s functionality. And we know the number one problem in a public restroom is anxiety. Everyone has been at a Rockies’ game or the airport where the rest of humanity is emptying their bowels while your groin is clenched like a nine-year-old on a roller coaster. In these situations, research shows the sound of running water can ease you into a complete urinary transformation.
 Smart Shit will begin by asking, “HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE PEEING THERE, BUDDY? WHAT? I COULDN’T HEAR WHETHER YOU’RE INCAPABLE OF URINATING.” Then, it will begin a rainstorm in the bathroom, which looks like a burst water pipe in the ceiling, which is kind of right. But instead of the leak, think of a complete release of bladder tension and mold—woo boy, think a lot about mold. 
 The Smart Shit starts at $9,000—a price some have described as “bourgeois” and “doable if I had more money and was a moron.” But those people have no idea what they’re talking about, and you—being a well-informed consumer—should know this. We just ask that you consider two things: Do you have a credit card? Is it American Express? Because we don’t accept American Express.
 Really, now that you’ve read this advertisement, you can only wonder at the possibilities of having a Smart Shit in your bathroom. How badly do you want to use the word “exquisite” when referring to your bowel movements? How sentient is too sentient when it comes to a toilet? Is there any way this thing could turn on you? Of course not. Well… maybe. But that’s not the point. The point is you need the Smart Shit.
   
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