ISSUE 89

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 On Thursday morning, extra-terrestrials made contact with Earth, a garbled message believed to have been from an alien’s pocket. This follows in a recent string of butt-calls and pranks involving pizza orders to the Andromeda Galaxy, ridicule about modern string theory, and making NORAD light up like a cheap hotel room under a black light.    
 In a second message sent Saturday, the aliens simply mentioned there are way too many cookbooks on Earth. In a transmission sent to NASA, they were quoted as saying, “Please stop. It’s getting weird.”
 Despite the terror this may or may not have been intended to provoke, the general reaction around the globe is ambivalence. Chefs, cooks, and food activists are confused, mad, or a mix of the two, like an American lost in a foreign country, a cute cat chasing a laser pointer, or a cute American chasing a foreign laser pointer.
 Top food aficionados, researchers, academics, religious advocates, and government officials remain in a state of bewilderment. A few hovering near insanity have made the jump after aliens proved the universe is run by a hamster in a wheel.
 Other scientists, who have a greater tolerance for furry rodents, wondered why the aliens skipped introductory formalities such as “How are you?”, “How are the kids?”, and “Oh, the giant spaceship over New York City is for decoration.”
 These same individuals have spent weeks franticly sending messages back with such questions as, “Who are you?”, “What is our place in the universe?” and “Do you guys have Taco Bell too?” As of yet, no response has been received. Meanwhile, hamsters have become the most honored species on the planet, one even going so far as to be elected governor of California.     
 Despite their reluctance to talk to scientists, aliens have spoken with the media. In a recent TV spot, 60 Minutes interviewed one of the alien kind, who identified himself as Jeff, the guy with the wandering eye that works at the 7-Eleven on 26th and Broadway. From what one can gather from the commercial break teasers, Jeff detailed his plan for world peace, noting the uniting slogan will be, “Give chubby folks a chance.”
 Jeff was scornful of the carnage in apocalyptic alien movies, saying “he would have never done it that way.”
 “Obviously, you poison all of the fresh water. Or just wait another ten years and let the human race finish what they’ve started.” Jeff then smiled grimly, like someone who was finally going to deal with the giant rat in the basement.  
 In a later interview with the Washington Post, the aliens said they regret choosing individuals with a history of mental illness to be their prophets to the human race. The alien’s personal prophet, a certain Jed Langston from Georgia, has done nothing to further their cause, instead sitting on his porch and taking pot shots at New York yuppies on their way to Florida for spring break.
 As the interview was about to close, Post journalists reported an alien remarked off-hand, “Yeah, we used to have newspapers too. They were nice. But then our society realized what was really important: our physical appearance.” The alien then yawned, stared off into the distance, and asked if the reporter wanted to look at photos of himself.
 The US government has yet to advise its citizens of the threat or if the whole thing isn’t some teenagers in costumes with voice modulators. The aliens, however, have recommended drinking lots of water, exercising regularly, staying away from any major population centers, and eating vegetarian so when cows evolve larger brains you’ll survive.
 This advice has been roundly rejected by Earth residents who have yet to care.
 “I’m waiting to be impressed,” Millennial Britney Sanders was reported as saying. She then flipped back her hair, whipped out her cellphone to check Facebook, and was incinerated by an alien spaceship, which was sad. Well… kind of sad.
   
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