ISSUE 85

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 Ever wish you had a product that was like bug spray—but for your annoying coworker or deadbeat “friend”? It’s Human Away! It’s for those days when you can’t summon the energy to put words together into coherent sentences, when you haven’t had a stroke but by the way you responded to “how are you?” you might as well be sucking air from a ventilator.    
 Americans asked for it—well, really the French asked for it to avoid Americans—and we delivered. Slap these smells on and don’t worry about talking to someone for two hours about their hair or their children, who are cute in the same way as baby birds. One day they’ll fly and sing, but right now… oh boy.
 Satisfied users of our product have called our product “decent” and “filling the don’t-talk-to-me gap like a mullet or a pedophile’s goatee.” Believe us when we tell you that ostracism has never been a more achievable goal—or rather believe our mascot, a mangy cat we found in a dumpster.   
 There are the traditional scents: death, Union Station bathroom, DEET, ooze, musk, and musky ooze. And yeah, those are great. But if you want to be completely shunned, slap some Freshman Frenzy on your body—or Axe as it’s known in other circles. Essentially, we combined sweaty gym shorts, marijuana, warm piss, and the “engineer major” smell to create something so awful our test subjects preferred to be buried in diapers.
 If that’s not your style, try our new experimental product: Jacob’s Feet. Carefully cultured from a middle schooler’s sock after camping for three days, this is guaranteed to burn through your sinuses like arsenic. Not only will you never have a runny nose again, but you won’t be able to smell or even come up with words to tell people you can’t smell.
 Or maybe you’re a little more adventurous. You really, really don’t want to deal with people again. Not only that, but you don’t want anything to be living around you—plants, animals, innocent children, nothing. Essentially, you want to be the walking equivalent of a gas chamber. If this sounds like you, try Linda’s Perfume.
 Some users have experienced mild heart attacks and some brain lesions when using Linda’s Perfume, but we’re sure those were from pre-existing medical conditions—not completely sure but definitely seventy-three percent sure. Basically, if you flipped a coin four times, three times you would be fine and one time you’d bleed out on the kitchen linoleum.
 We also have all of our products in room size. “What’s room size?” You ask, bewildered because the picture on the package shows stick figures running away, some of them without body parts. Well, first of all, our artist probably just forgot to add some heads. Second, that one guy who’s screaming is terrified because the product is working so well. All we’re saying is that if you want to clear an auditorium, then this is for you.
 But, how can you live with yourself when you smell this bad? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you here to ask questions, or are you here to get results? That’s what we thought. Plus, you’ll get used to it. You get used to anything, like a kidney stone or living without an arm. All it takes is time, which you will have a lot of when no one talks to you.  
 Our product has been tested on animals, of course. And goodness, we have had some results, grand results, results you would read in a newspaper and think, Well… damn. Those are some results. Results, in fact, that we will not get into right now.
 The warnings for our product are lengthy and hard to understand, so we’re going to skip those too and say you shouldn’t use this product under the influence of alcohol or anywhere near a group of pigs.  
 Yes, Human Away is the anti-perfume, the goal here to make people think you’re a worthless slob. You’re not—or at least when you start using our product. By the end, you may be. Our product may work too well, and you’ll never have to deal with anyone ever again, as humanity will banish you for the greater good. And really this works out for everyone.
   
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