ISSUE 82

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 Attention! Room available in squalid shithole. We’re looking for someone to rent in a four-bedroom townhouse at an undisclosed location in Boulder. Not revealing the address is for our protection in case you’re a murderer and want to come kill us. We’re not paranoid. We’re realistic… and paranoid.
 Also, it’s so you don’t realize our house is that house, the one with the Christmas decorations in June, juniper bushes swarming over the windows, and two feral dogs clawing at each other’s throats in the backyard. It’s the place where you expect to find a glass pipe on the windowsill, an overflowing trash bin, and a crumpled, water-stained Safeway ad drifting wearily across the lawn. You may have walked by and thought, I bet there’s someone locked in that house’s basement.
 Once you get here and you realize the photos of the room have no bearing on reality, our dog Dozer will latch onto your crotch, and it will be a lot harder to back out. Actually, it will be impossible because we honestly don’t know how to pry Dozer off. Once we tried, and… well, let’s say we can laugh about it now. Not the FedEx guy though. 
 For a general idea, this room is close to the University of Colorado’s campus but not so close you fall asleep to pop music, retching, and the feeling that somewhere within a quarter mile the last remnants of someone’s childhood are being crushed. It is close enough that you should worry about a lost, intoxicated freshman falling into the window well and dying. So… yeah. 
 It’s fun though. Our house has a lively atmosphere and hatchet-throwing competitions. We want someone to be a part of the community already in place and who does not threaten people with a butane torch when they are drunk. 
 The room is slightly slanted but not enough to be sure it is, so you’ll spend half your time wondering if you’re crazy. It also recently had a water leak, and there’s a lot of mold under the carpet, like dangerous mold that will leave you clutching at your chest in an ER gurney in several years.
 This may sound bad, but not as bad as how much money we charge for this room, which is about the size of an upright coffin. It’s definitely not a closet in someone else’s room, though you will have to go through someone else’s room to get to your room, and it will seem like a closet at first.
 Four lovely people live in our house and one guy wedges himself under the crawlspace. That last person gets a discount because he has to deal with the raccoons, who are either generally disorientated or have rabies. Anyways. Here’s a bit about us.  
 Bruce: Loves to dabble in sorcery and sleepwalk—sometimes both at the same time. He often stands next to your bed at one in the morning and smears blood on your forehead, so if that bothers you, maybe think about somewhere else.
 Philip: An okay guitar player. Has started his own auto repair shop inside our garage and often stores carburetors and used mufflers (not to be confused with muffins) in the kitchen cabinets. 
 Amanda: Works doing… something. No one has actually asked her. Not the cleanest person but makes up for it by having that adorable mutt Dozer, who only sometimes shits in the bathtub. 
 Korean guy: Exchange student. Makes Asian food for us in a desperate attempt to ingratiate himself with our household.
 Leon (previously homeless guy in the crawlspace): Has an amazing beard and looks almost exactly like Santa. Pays the rent in crumpled five-dollar bills, old bus tickets, and half-smoked cigarettes.
 As for other general info, we do like to party and have used your room as the designated throwing-up space in the past. This will stop sometime in the future—hopefully after you move in but no promises, as our friends have become accustomed to using it as such. We do not assign chores and work on a “blame the Asian” basis if anything happens to go wrong. The kitchen has a lot of storage space in between car parts, mostly due to rats and the fact that we live off the free samples at Costco.
 And that’s about it. Flip us an email if you are interested.
   
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