ISSUE 81

NEXT  >>>
<<<  PREVIOUS
 Yesterday, sweaty bicyclists passed an initiative to make Boulder car-free. In a celebratory parade, bikers wore too-tight spandex, clickety-clack shoes, and silly helmets, except for two people who wore regular clothing. They were heckled, ostracized, and handed non-organic bananas in what seemed to be an inside joke.     
 Some carried signs scrawled on cardboard, which may have been stolen from the local homeless. Posters had drawings of helmets, bikes, peace signs, and a mangled biker run over by a car. The latter featured sparkly red glitter and a stick figure with a frowny face.   
 “We own the roads now.” Bike rider Elizabeth Gustafson said. “I don’t have to worry about a car careening into me and severing my spinal cord. Now, I only have to worry about groin chafing.” Before our journalist could stop her, Gustafson then elaborated on chafing—describing lubricant brands, her chamois biker shorts, narrow bike seats, and in-grown hairs.
 After the bill’s passage, biking advocates celebrated by admiring each other’s calves, high-fiving, and sharing high-calorie energy bars. They called this “fueling,” like their already difficult personalities had become so machine-like they no longer eat normal food.
 “Initially, we thought armed rebellion. Then we realized we had banned assault weapons in Boulder,” Pam Leal said and jetted water into her mouth from a sports bottle. “So, we did it diplomatically—just legislation, easing more and more into the car lane, and sweating all over café tables after a long ride.”
 Opponents to the no-car legislation argue bikes can be infeasible for people with over-active sweat glands and body odor.
 “For someone whose ass is like two fat men rubbing together in a sauna, this is ridiculous,” outspoken opponent Peter Koprowski said. “Jesus, I sweat through a pair of jeans on a bike. You can’t doom me to that for every day of my life.”
 Others tell of a darker side to the legislation. Paulo Martinez and several others reported problems in their personal relationships due directly to bicycle riding.  
 “When I married Heather, she was great… but then she started biking.” Martinez said and nervously mopped sweat from his brow. “Now, she can’t stand any inactivity. I’m scared every time I sit down because she’ll make fun of my flabby quads and force me to go up Flagstaff.” 
 As of now, the legislation is Boulder-centric. Longmont remains car-dominated, as Boulder bicyclists have refused to take over the city, citing it was a “lost cause.”
 “Only convicts and crack whores ride bikes in Longmont,” Tim Jenkins, a biker and amateur craft brewer, said. “Like, they’re people who’ve had their driver’s licenses revoked and were barred from using RTD.”   
 In addition to the elimination of cars, Boulder residents must also wear fluorescent green or yellow vests, or other clothing that can cause lab mice to die of overexposure. This rule applies at all times, except in laser tag arenas, as several people have been consumed in flame.
 In a gesture to opponents, no-car advocates will offer free bike-riding lessons for orphans, tricycles for those without the coordination necessary to ride something with two wheels, and free tote bags.
 “A movement is nothing without free tote bags,” Jenkins said.    
 When asked what they felt about mopeds, bikers responded with ambivalence.
 “Yeah, I mean if you still want to be a slave to the petroleum industrial complex, then sure, ride a moped,” Harold Frey said. “But if you want to feel the raw power of twenty-seven-geared Cannondale hog, then ride a bicycle.”
 Bikers also said their carbon-reduction goals don’t end with the elimination of cars.   
 “It’s a good first step,” Gustafson said. “But, eventually, we want to eliminate all gassy people too… though mostly just Doug. Vote ‘yes’ on Amendment 89 ‘You’re Not Wanted Doug.’ He’s a hazard to our health.”
   
NEW ISSUES EVERY FRIDAY
There's an email notification here, if you are the forgetful type. Or maybe you just want to get an email from someone every Friday. That's totally cool too.
There is a book available at The Trident Bookstore or Amazon.
It's eleven bucks.
Also, share this with people.
Shove it into their hands and shout, “I LOVE YOU."
They need this.