ISSUE 76

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 Welcome to your afterlife of choice. We are glad to have another (circle the correct response) Buddhist / Muslim / Christian / Hindu / Jew / member of a crazy, fringe religion / spiritual but not religious person / cute animal / other who was told there would be eternal happiness / Jesus in a chicken suit / the vortex of time / loose virgins / your homies / free Chick-fil-A / other.
 Before you enter heaven, you must complete a survey about your life. Be honest, or we send you to hell. Just kidding. But also, not really.  
 1. How would you describe your time on Earth?
   A. Good except for the cancer.
   B. 6/10. Could have had more cup holders.  
   C. It was like being repeatedly poked in the eye

   with a shit-covered stick.   
   D. I was Hitler. So, good… then bad.  
 2. Where were you when you died?
   A. In the kitchen with Ms. Peacock next to a         candlestick.
   B. In a field dressed as a shrew with a copy of Eat,     Pray, Love. Don’t ask.  
    C. Chicago.
   D. In the woods because someone forgot the map.      Goddamn it, Jim.
 3. What do you regret in life?
    A. Not talking to that attractive man/woman.
    B. Talking to that attractive man/woman.
    C. Not switching to Geico.
   D. Eating that many hot dogs at once. NEVER        AGAIN.  
 4. What about the environment? Wish you had cared
 a bit more?
    A. Yes, because Green Peace is really good at guilt.
   B. No, because scientists have yet to come to a        consensus that climate change is caused by

   humans. I also enjoy seeing cute animals suffer and
   regularly offer alms to Satan. 
   C. I was a recycling deity. I lived with a herd of cows.

   I walked everywhere on all fours. I ate grass for three
   months.  
   D. What environment?
 5. What would you have liked to have been your dying
 words?
   A. I love you.
   B. I loved you at one point but now I’m in a weird in-

   between stage where I’m reconnecting with who I am
   as an individual.  
   C. Piss off Jim.
   D. A string of incoherent ramblings someone would

   make into a religion and/or pamphlet on the danger
   of taking too many drugs and/or nice quote on a
   restaurant napkin.
 6. What could God and his associates have done to
 make your life experience better?
   A. Changing all stop signs into yield signs.
   B. Make brownies calorie negative.   
   C. Stopping all evil—except for the things I really

   wanted to do. But just me. No one else should be able
   to do those things to me.  
   D. Nothing because I am a complete moron.
 7. Why do you think you made it into heaven?
   A. [Insert religious credo and/or deathbed confession
   here]
   B. Because I don’t suck nearly as bad as Sharon.
   C. Good deeds, humility, and eating plain oatmeal.
   D. Bribery.  
   E. Snuck under the fence.
   
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