ISSUE 75

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 Here at Second Thoughts Clothing we like to distinguish ourselves from our competitors. They have snappy slogans like “Just Do It” and “Impossible Is Nothing.” Our brand forces you to think, Whoa! Maybe we should reconsider here. You’re certainly not what you used to be. Remember that hip surgery a couple of years back? You don’t want to do that again.
 Here, it’s about what you can’t do far more than what you can. We’re not about pushing your limits, so much as recognizing them and letting them slowly crush your sense of adventure. You know how many people die climbing a year? It’s a lot. And we can bet it’s far more than people who sit at home.
 We like to think we’re the apparel equivalent of a grandma who thinks dancing is a sin but makes incredible brownies. Our brand is comfortable, safe, and if you play your cards right, you get some free junk you feel bad about throwing away.   
 Our company recognizes often things are hard—much harder than you want them to be—and we designed clothing that recognizes that. Greatness is for people who don’t realize the world has big, intractable problems that can’t be fixed, that kitchen appliances sure aren’t built like they used to, that treading water in life’s ocean only buys you a few minutes before you get so tired you die. 
 Let’s get to our products. Our outdoor gear is water resistant, which means it will start leaking in anything more than a slight drizzle. But that’s okay—chances are you wanted to go inside, sip hot cocoa by a warm fire, and not be bothered by wild, scary places. Being outdoors is terrible, which is why man made the indoors. There’s bears, mosquitos, pine sap, ice, sunburn, wind, poisonous plants, rain… yeah, screw that.
 Our shirts come in sizes that are too large now but won’t be in a few years. Our small is a medium. Our large is an extra-large. Our extra-large is more like a dress than anything. We’re anticipating the inevitable—that mental breakdown, the kids, those stressful expense contracts, the pregnancy weight, the deep well of depression that can only be filled with Oreos, double chocolate brownie fudge ice cream, and syrup. But hey, when you get there, you’ll still fit in that small, unlike that Lululemon stuff you bought.
 We don’t make dress apparel, unless you hang out with baboons, in which case you will be respected as the only one who can put on a shirt correctly. Our mindset is if you care enough to put on dress pants, you care too much. This is less of a social statement and more a statement of apathy.
 And don’t worry, these clothing products weren’t made locally with organic hemp fiber or fair trade pea protein or whatever. They’re made with cheap non-recyclable plastic and normal-ass cotton that will soak up water like an elephant after a six-month drought.
 Our shoe line caters to people who don’t ever want to run. They make cardiovascular exercise so impractical that if anything comes at you faster than a meandering stroll, you are so dead. This is because our patrons are smart. They realize it’s better to be the zombie in an apocalypse than the one figuring out how to function without electricity, dental care, indoor plumbing, or any loved ones.
 These unreasonable shoes include flip flops that melt in almost every circumstance and constantly break—but are so cheap you can’t justify buying anything else. It’s the type of cheap where you wonder what human rights are being violated in their production, but not so cheap you feel any pressure to find out. Like, you’re wearing flip flops. You can’t be that motivated in the first place.  
 In the end, our company sells reality. Life sucks, and none of our products are going to make you stronger, faster, sexier, or happier. In fact, most of the things we sell are pretty ugly. The human spirit is broken, and underneath every company’s advertisements is a poor, lost marketing intern who hates pretty much everything. Her name’s Susan, and she used to be happy too.
 So, buy our product. Don’t be the person you avoid at neighborhood barbeques or the one who condescends people for doubling down on the cake. Instead, relax. With our knee brace and “The Answer To Your Question Is Fuck You” t-shirt, you have every excuse you need to not do things you didn’t want to do in the first place.  
   
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