ISSUE 74

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 With housing prices shooting up faster than a heroin addict in a library bathroom, many wild animals find themselves priced out of Boulder. Here at six news, we cornered the most at-risk wildlife, shoved a microphone in their face, and asked them how they felt. This turned out to be a bad approach. Sorry about that arm, George.   “I just couldn’t afford it,” Juanita Gutierrez, local deer and single mother of two, said. “When it’s eight hundred to bed down in someone’s backyard, I have to camp behind the 7-Eleven on Valmont and root through the dumpster for Slurpee machine mix and expired Hostess ding dongs. I’m ashamed, depressed, and covered in blue raspberry shit.” 
 Predator and mountain lion Burt—yes, just Burt—reinforced these claims. Evicted from his home in the Foothills, Burt must hide behind the organic quinoa at Whole Foods and stalk the elderly as they wait for their deli orders to be filled.  
 “I was tagged recently,” he said while leisurely sharpening his claws. “Apparently, I’m supposed to go to Montana, even though I was born here… It hurts, emotionally, physically, this hurts. Almost makes me want to take out some hikers.”
 In response, Boulder City Council has pushed a just-believe-in-yourself campaign, giving out free tote bags and inviting motivational speakers to hold forest-wide gatherings.   
 “You can do it,” City Council issued in a statement on Wednesday. “We know you can.”
 Affordable housing advocates argue this advice isn’t helpful and only exacerbates the problem.
 “It’s like telling that short, fat kid he can be in the NBA if he believes in himself,” Founder of Homes For Wildlife Joe Rosenthal said. “We’re all for pursuing your dreams but c’mon… Have you seen him try to do a lay-up? It’s embarrassing.”
 When told this apt metaphor, City Council responded, “Yeah… but it’s nice to say though.”
 To bolster affordable housing efforts, the community has released a series of videos for Boulder’s working class animals, consisting of Flatty the Flatiron and his nauseating band of yuppie climbers. The goal of these videos is to offer a glimpse into the lives of people who exist in North Face advertisements and still look gorgeous when covered in chalk and sweat. 
 “Going up a crimpy five twelve route this afternoon, doing it trad.” Ansel, a woman casually drinking a craft beer, said in the video. “Been doing some yoga, so should be able to smash it. Also, we adopted a transgender rock, so we’ll bring her along.”
 The video consists of the group loading their van with enough equipment to fix the International Space Station, then spending three hours debating route strategy, gear, the weather, climbing gyms, Alex Honnold, craggy overhangs, and various nicknames for the new guy, only to cancel the trip because Jeff slept in and he has the rope.
The animal’s response remains varied. Some are staying positive while others report they are gently being pushed toward the desolation of I-25, both mentally and as potential roadkill.
 “I find ways to cope,” Flighty, a rabbit living in south Boulder, said. “People are generous when I get in their compost piles and camp out under their deck—except for Harold. He’s a dick.”
 “Two days ago, I come across these things,” a black bear with the adorable name of Boo Boo said. He then held out what looked to be casual fitness clothing and Nike shoes. “Now I can’t think of anything but how delicious non-GMO humans taste.”
 Since the interview, Boo Boo has mauled three runners and is fleeing from police, who report he is dressed as a fitness instructor and heading in the direction of a popular Boulder yoga studio. They did not divulge the name of the studio but said if your instructor looks like a bear and can’t seem to complete a basic downward-facing dog pose, then call 911 immediately.  
 “This is what animals have to do,” Rosenthal said in response to Boo Boo’s flight. “You can’t blame them when it’s so expensive. I’d hunt and ruthlessly kill a few gluten-free people too.”  
   
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