THE SQUID WEEKLY
ISSUE 71
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THE EARTH IS A PYRAMID. This is the best theory since flushing your anti-psychotics down the toilet and marrying a tree. And it changes everything from the shape of a circle to the importance of triangular yield signs. It all makes sense. Look at the evidence from researchers with COLANDERS on their head. This means they know what they are doing. Have you ever heard a metal-capped person, a person who can always strain noodles, lie to you?
Some think the earth is a sphere. What? From some jokers who took a photo from space? From math and globes and peer-reviewed research and people who have glasses and use GRADUATED CYLINDERS? Circular lies. Know who else thought the world was a sphere? Nazis, Prius drivers, intimidating, unshaven men, fools, Donald Duck, clowns, and probably Satan.
Plus, we have FACTS too, facts like “the world has four sides and tapers the further you go north,” “pyramid schemes + suckers = victory,” and “everything you think you know is wrong—except for the things we say, which are right.”
The fact is everyone else’s facts are factually ineffectual. This leaves two choices—either we are right or we are RIGHTER THAN RIGHT. Omniscience is just another thing you learn after you abandon traditional reason and start doing A LOT OF COCAINE.
SLAM. That’s the door of reason pulverizing the toe of your preconceptions. YOWCH. You know nothing. Pain is when your father walks off the edge of the pyramid and disappears forever. Difficulty is trying to make a convincing pyramid earth poster with a sharpie. Perseverance is being relegated to the crazy section of Pearl Street and still entertaining a FAINT SENSE OF SUPERIORITY. Why do we still do it? Because our moms told us to get some fresh air.
The FAA wants to HIDE the pyramid FROM YOU. In order to make their flight paths, they must keep the pyramid a secret. Denver to New York? Atlanta to Sydney? Anchorage to Mazatlán? In the reconstructed world pyramid, these cities are FIVE MINUTES from one another—but United still charges full price and gives a cut to the government. It’s way too believable.
And get this—the FAA is paid by the government to do its job. Does this sound suspicious to you? It should. It reminds us of a certain president also on the government dole, the one with significantly less HAIR than he had on inauguration, the one who had hope before Congress smashed it with the only enthusiasm they show for anything, the one who gave up at the end and played golf… Okay, so it reminds us of most presidents.
This is the final proof: How many legs does a human have? And how many does a dog have? And when you average those, how many do you get? THREE—just like the sides of a triangle, which is ALMOST a pyramid. If that seems far-fetched, it’s not as out there as gravity and TWINKIES.
It’s not about money, power, or Groupon deals. It’s about a SOLID GRASP of what may or may not fit into the square hole of a toddler shape-fitting game. And yes, it may also be about not having a lot to do on weekends.
Why should you care? What happens next? Our goals after informing everyone about the earth’s pyramid shape are UNCLEAR. They might involve getting a part-time job at 7-Eleven. Or they could include drinking Mountain Dew until we actually turn green.
But they will most likely be comprised of the 9/11 conspiracy, chemtrails, or the world-wide plot to control sand. Yes, SAND—at the beach now, reappearing in your shoes and car mats six months in the future. How does it get there? Is it controlled by the RUSSIANS? What is the Russian word for sand? Is it similar to the English word? Does it matter? If a linguist conjugates a word in a room alone, does she have a life?
This… well, this will take more time to think about. PRECIOUS TIME. Time you do not have unless you accept the earth is a pyramid and hand out pamphlets with SLIGHTLY UNEVEN margins. Accept the TURTH. Wait. No, no, no. ACCEPT THE TRUTH, DAMN IT. ACCEPT THE TRUTH.
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