ISSUE 66

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 This is a guide for the Department of Transportation Driverless Car Service, brought to you by bureaucrats who have no concept of time and distance. Like any other government service, we provide paramount inefficiency, inadequate funding, and a chance to interact with people who look like lizards.   
 First, use the Get You Somewhere Eventually app, designed by the finest engineers the US can attract from India. This app will direct you, the esteemed taxpayer, to a street corner closest to the driverless car. Waiting times may be anywhere from two minutes to fifteen hours, as smart vehicles have a heavy work schedule and take frequent breaks to smoke and complain about their co-workers.
 When the car arrives, wave your arm in a way that suggests you are desperate but not that desperate. Cars are cautious of needy passengers and will not stop if your self-esteem is low enough to settle for the person next to you. Or the car may not stop even if you wave your arm correctly. Unlike a bus driver, this is not because the AI personality is on a cynical power trip and delights in punishing people. It is because our software designers did not anticipate anyone actually using the Driverless Car Service.      
 If you hailed the car successfully, we are relieved. Do not sit in the driver’s seat. This is considered rude in the car’s culture and could result in a sexual harassment lawsuit.
 Before you sit in one of the other seats, check for any weapons, syringes, used Band-Aids, or abandoned children. At inconvenient times, the seat may be inexplicably wet. If this is the case, suck it up, carry a plastic bag, or attempt levitation by pressing against the seatback until you can no longer take the searing pain in your quadriceps.
 As soon as you sit, introduce yourself to the AI personality. Make sure to enunciate your syllables and speak forcefully, as if shouting over a spoon caught in a garbage disposal. In turn, the car will process your criminal record while considering your skin complexion, clothing, accent, and whether you could be classified as a justifiable threat.
 It will then either read you your Miranda Rights, beat you senseless with the butt of a pistol, and shove you in the trunk or provide you with a pleasant riding experience. If you are a minority, a convicted felon, or have ever exceeded the speed limit, please use the US Driverless Car Service with caution. 
 Once you have completed the background check, enter your final destination by typing it into the prompt on the dashboard. If the car will not accept the address, re-enter it until the machine freezes and restarts, at which point it will ask for an administrative login and password.
 The car will then return to default mode and drive you to the nearest administrator who may be ten to two thousand miles from your current location. Due to the safety specifications of this vehicle, you will not be allowed to exit during this time. The car will also not be able to communicate it is out of service and may pick up several other passengers. Once your car is reset, it will drive you efficiently to your destination using a road map from 1977.
 The cost of this service was intended to be balanced by the legalization of marijuana but wasn’t. Instead, we are carefully investing the money in bombs, outdated infrastructure, social security, and magical unicorns.   Thus, the initial cost for entering the vehicle is $18.26. For every mile and minute spent in the car, $5.07 is added. The driverless car service does not give change or accept credit card. If you are unable to pay for your ride, may god have mercy on your soul. Remember that disposal of your driverless car receipt, which contains your social security number and bank account information, is a capital offense.
 If you had a pleasurable experience, please review us on our Facebook page, the one with road construction updates from 2010 and dead links to .gov websites. If you did not have a pleasurable experience, we apologize for your belief the US government could do something the private market did successfully for years. Thank you for using the Driverless Car Service.
   
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