ISSUE 62

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 Introducing the Relationship Gun, the best way to end a relationship since a hasty text message at one in the morning. It’s like using your words—but with a gun. No longer will you stare at your significant other across the dinner table and think, What I would do for a spring-loaded semi-automatic pistol with a hammer-forged barrel, a fixed polymer sight, and various accessories. Instead, you will think, I have a spring-loaded semi-automatic pistol with a hammer-forged barrel, fixed polymer sight, and various accessories.   
 At Love Is a Pointless Illusion Inc., we believe that from the countless options available—writing in to Dear Abby, suffering through for the children, counseling, shoving your feelings into a deep, dark pit of emotional despair, an acerbic, drawn-out divorce—the drastic one works the best.
 The Relationship Gun functions well in a moment of extreme anxiety and rage, possibly when he shows up drunk to dinner at your parents, or she insults your favorite baseball team again. It’s at these moments when twenty rounds to the chest and a quick trip to the local swamp to dump the body is just what the moment calls for.
 Just ask yourself: Does America negotiate with terrorists? Do you compromise with a psycho holding a knife to your personal financial security, who might as well be a scary hobo picking through your garbage, except they pick out a three-week-old sandwich, put it back in the refrigerator, and then blame you for being wasteful? No. You don’t.  
 The gun is quick, senseless, brutal—just like the relationship. So, skip the break-up talk and get to the point: not only do you not want this person to be in your life, but you don’t want them to be in anyone else’s life either. It’s like spraying pesticide on a weed or smashing a cockroach—metaphors that seem extreme until you meet Tommy.
 We offer the Relationship Gun in four sizes: big, bigger, biggest, and biggerest. To understand the biggerest size, imagine a flamethrower and an RPG taped to a large, angry duck. It’s exactly like that. 
 To choose the right size, ask yourself a couple of questions: On a scale of one to HULK SMASH, how would you rate your level of resentment? When we ask for a rope, a gag, and a one-way ticket to Nicaragua, would you be the first to raise your hand? When you watched the movie Castaway, was Wilson a far better companion than anyone in your current social and romantic circle? If you answered “yes” to any of the above or couldn’t complete the quiz because “she was doing that thing with her nails again,” then you should buy a larger size than you planned. 
 But this product isn’t only for romantic relationships with as many warning signs as a bottle of cyanide. It can also work well on the cat that keeps crapping on the living room rug, your coworker Steve, any Mexicans you assume are illegal immigrants, or children who won’t clean their room.
 Just consider: Would you like to spend eighteen years dealing with someone who may just stay in the basement until their mid-thirties, or would you like to have an uninterrupted nap this afternoon? Keep in mind how much patience sucks and how fulfilling it is to give into anger.  
 In fact, with our product, you don’t have to have any neighbors or relatives. As Gandhi said, “The best family is no family.” We like Gandhi. We think he was a cool guy who knew what he was talking about.
 Some of our customers may wonder about the legal aspect. Shooting someone for burning a casserole can’t be legal, can it? Well… no, but in a different and better way—yes. It’s called the defense of habitation law, and it’s like a footnote to “thou shalt not murder” that lets you murder anyone you want.
 Simply invite your target for dinner and ask them to hold a knife, and all of the sudden Aunt Maude and her infamous fruitcake become “potential threats” that have been effectively neutralized.
 So, forget the police, screw due process, and become God. It’s not like he’s doing anything soon. You, however, need to do something drastic and irreversible—like buying the Relationship Gun—and you need to do it soon. 

          
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