ISSUE 60

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 This is a guide to holistic healing for a laptop after liquid has been spilled on it. The first and most important step is to clasp your hands and pray to the Eastern Goddess of Unholy Water Stains. While she is not always listening, she is not always not not listening either. This is less confusing than you think. Simply shriek to the heavens and twist in a semi-circular counter-clockwise motion while tossing copies of the Bhagavad Gita into the vortex of time. Under no circumstances should you pray to the Western God of Unholy Water Stains. He’s a dick.     
 After four days of fervent prayer, apply a Bernie Sanders’ bumper sticker along with a poultice of clay, bloodroot, nutmeg, flax meal, rock crystals, and roasted pumpkin to the computer, wrapped carefully using the Nepalese Sherpa method. As this method takes two years to fully master and requires the guidance of the legendary Adi Shankara, who is dead, we recommend the short YouTube tutorial by MoKarmaMoBiddies156.
 Do not attempt to bring the computer to I.T. These “professionals” are not truly tapped into the spiritual essence of the computer and will only attempt to “fix hardware” or “replace” your device. The evils of this cannot go unrecognized. Should you come in contact with I.T., shake the dust from your shoes and call the curse of a thousand tongues of flame upon them. If MoKarmaMoBiddies156 does not have a tutorial regarding this curse, stare at I.T. operatives in a way that suggests they are an alien preparing to harvest your brain.
 Once the poultice has formed around your device, make sure to croon and whisper positive well-being in order for it to heal emotionally. Potential words may include: beauteous, loveable, motherboard, smooches, keyboard, full-bodied, pleasing, fruity, and meaty. Recovery involves the whole computer, which must be returned to its place in the earth stream of consciousness as soon as possible.
 Without proper healing, the liquid could work its way into the psyche of your computer, leaving it fraught to depression, anxiety, and increasing self-doubt. If these are left untreated, they may manifest themselves as addictive tendencies to data mining, Facebook, Trump memes, fake news, fake Trump memes, and randomly processing fifty million gigabytes of information because “something has to make sense in this world.” 
 If at all possible, transport the laptop to Mecca, Jerusalem, Rajasthan, or Portland, Oregon to be blessed by a spiritual leader or yoga instructor. If this cannot be accomplished, please abandon the computer outside of a holy site, church building, yoga studio, or Trader Joe’s location. Should your device go missing in its personal soul journey, it will return upon the call of a yellow warbler emitted at dusk on May 19. Until that point, wait diligently and keep a signal fire continually lit. 
 Once these initial “p” steps have been completed—prayer, positive speech, poultice, pilgrimage—gather other objects your laptop may have been developed attachments toward: perhaps a smartphone, iPod, USB, treasured blanket, or small stuffed animal. Encircle your device with these objects and encourage data flow between the objects, perhaps offering a USB cord or a shared Wi-Fi connection.
 Reality should not be allowed to enter a “no negativity space” you create around your computer, whether the prognosis is good or bad. Avoid talking about the computer’s condition when you are around it but focus on the weather and the latest developments in high speed internet and data storage.
 By the time several weeks have passed, the poultice should emit a potent smell similar to whatever is decaying behind the water heater. It is at this point you might begin rethinking your choice in holistic medicine. While this is normal, it is also a symbol of spiritual depravity. All efforts should be made to purify oneself, perhaps taking some time off to explore the vastness of mind or the essence of a grain of sand.  
 Once these steps have been accomplished, your laptop should recover. If it fails to turn on or function accordingly, its soul has been transmuted to the infinite. At this point, it is best you pour coffee or a similar beverage on yourself in a gesture of solidarity and purchase a new device.

          
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