ISSUE 53

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 Hello all and welcome to mandatory office sexual harassment training. My name is Mary, and I’m the HR rep here at Waldo’s Wacky Whistles. Why do we need to do this? Glad you asked, Leonard. Scientists—real hand-to-god scientists—have found that some men are actually still cavemen. Yes. Cavemen. They’ve been making crude drawings of their genitalia, delivering morning news broadcasts, and understanding the word “no” as “take off your clothes as fast as you can.”
 Okay women, this does not mean all men are pigs. According to NBC, there is one man left in… Minnesota? Yes, it’s Minnesota. His name is George. He’s ninety-seven and plays an excellent game of backgammon. Any interested woman should be willing to change a urostomy bag and have an open schedule from 6 to 6:30 pm in order to watch Jeopardy.
 Unfortunately, George has prostate cancer, making this caveman deal even more of a problem. There are a lot of Band-Aid solutions going on—out-of-court settlements, forced silence and shame, conversations like What’s that Karen? I couldn’t understand you because of how much America loves our charming news anchor, that sort of thing.
 To actually fix the problem, we’ll need to reconsider power, the patriarchy, feminism, narcissism, the fashion industry, consumption of alcohol, body image, chivalry, gender roles, capitalism, insecurity, popular entertainment, Western society’s conception of sex and love, morality, and whether stuffed animals should wear pants.
 But first we’ll start with the office. Communication between the sexes is key. The proper way to address a flirtatious man is, “DOWN YONDER CUR” or “They’re developing artificial sperm now, and in several years, men’s role in society will be so marginalized that they will eventually die out. As a self-actualized woman, I can’t wait.” Women, you may want to write that down and have it handy in your purse.  
 But just as a precaution, men will be chained to a seventy-five-pound block of concrete and whipped every fifteen minutes. Women will also be equipped with a tire iron and a court order allowing them to take any action necessary to beat off a slavering male.
 If these measures do not dissuade a man, a sexual harassment complaint will effectively cast him into the pit of Cerberus, a genetically-mutated, three-headed print publication called The Washington Post. This hulking canine will pick over his remains until it is distracted by a budget crisis or something dead.
 As a final measure, this irredeemable sex offender will be sent to a faraway land filled with incomprehensible heathens called “Australia.” Think of it as putting your cat’s crap in a bag and then throwing it into the neighbor’s yard, which is ninety-five percent desert, five percent opera house and kangaroos. 
 Of course, cavemen are in no way responsible for their problems. Treating women as tools in a mindless game of “GRAB THE CASH, DISREGARD THE RASH” is simply normal to someone who has lived his life in an unneutered dog pack. So men, we’re going to go through some tips on how to interact with females.
 To start off, if a woman is crying, do not attempt to comfort her with your penis. Compassion is not another word for exploitation. No, not even if you are a politician.
 It is not polite to offer yourself as a present at someone’s birthday party. Nor is a sex toy a proper gift for Secret Santa—even if it’s on sale and you think it goes well with her shoes.
 Maybe try a new stapler or chocolates that don’t taste nearly as good as the box promises. These signal that you have a low opinion of her document-binding capabilities and/or are short on cash, both of which usually shut down any further romantic interaction.
 If you ever think a situation could use more pillaging, intercourse, and loose bathrobes, you are likely wrong. A basic rule of thumb is to keep your pants on in all professional situations and to keep your opinions about Sharon’s new dress to yourself.
 Well, this ends our mandatory training. Thank you all for pretending to listen. With some luck, we’ll see some of our cultural icons survive the winter. 

                           

    
Carry on beautiful reader. 
Read about the treaty between cats and mice.
   
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