ISSUE 52

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 Here at Channel 1 News, we would like to apologize for our weather forecast yesterday. We predicted it would be a balmy sixty-five and that yeah, you could probably swing a t-shirt and shorts. Instead, the greater Front Range received six inches of snow and such a hard freeze it decimated the Denver Zoo’s flamingo population.
 Unfortunately, as our viewers may have noticed, this has been the trend rather than the exception, and whereas usually we can pretend this never happened and move on to the next crisis, today we have to admit that maybe we don’t actually know what we’re doing. To get straight to it: We couldn’t predict a rainy day if we lived in a locker room shower and there was a water leak and all of the maintenance personnel were dead.  
 This may be because we hire our news reporters based mainly on the color of their hair and whether it goes with the general décor of our station. Last year, we went for more of a chartreuse vibe, which is either a nauseating green or yellow depending on how much vodka you consume—and our producers drink A LOT. So… it was a hell of a year for any viewers who haven’t abandoned traditional media.   
 Our incompetence could also be because we use last year’s forecast and add things like “variable,” “somewhat cloudy,” “chance of rain,” and “occasional funnel clouds and three-inch hail today, so bring a light jacket.” Then we pass off our ineptitude on things that can’t argue with us like mountains, climate change, Canada, or God.
 However, this strategy is no longer working, as our viewers can get the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s forecast on the Internet and see through our lies. Therefore, in a desperate attempt to raise our ratings, we replaced our youthful meteorologist—the one with enough caked-on cosmetics to rival a monkey in a mud pit—with Old Man McGregor whose last stab at technology was buying a crank can opener back in ’55.
 Now, he can’t see so well anymore and sure doesn’t like black people, but he’s ninety-eight percent accurate when it comes to predicting when it’s going to rain. “It’s all in my left knee,” he testifies. “Never was the same after that bear lit into it.”  
 He’s also full of such wonderful advice as, “Well, if the chicken don’t croak, don’t give it a rat’s darn in a jiffy” and “Slap a wicket on the flat iron, and she’ll be right as a nickel in a well.” We don’t know what he means, but it probably makes more sense than most things you see on the news.
 Along with our weather personality, we’ve decided to overhaul the rest of our news team. You may notice the absence of Hank, our hunky crew-cut anchor, who specializes in drivel like, “This week sure looks like a good one to do things,” “That sun is hot today,” and “Two thousand Iraqis were killed today in Baghdad and blah, blah, death, yadda-yadda-yadda, threats on neighboring Jordan, blah, blah, blah, nuclear war… and so on. And now to sports with Terry.”
 We’ve replaced him with a block of wood that has a smiley face on it, a very attractive piece of western red cedar straight from the Pacific Northwest. In a survey, eighty-five percent of our viewers voted it as a calming, non-partisan influence in their lives.
 Our sports section will be expanded to encompass most of our broadcast, as more people view this segment than actually watch baseball, golf, soccer, basketball, or football games in which the Broncos are losing. We anticipate the time when sports will be conducted in short two-minute breaks between commercials and watched by several people who can’t find their way out of the stadium.   
 We’re also doing away with our political commentators and substituting them with the sound of a cat being run over by a dump truck. And when President Trump comes on, we’ll play pornography too because THAT’S WHAT YOU PEOPLE LIKE, ISN’T IT?
 We’re simply tired of competing with infinitely more appealing things than facts, nuanced opinions, and finely-crafted stories, and so we’re no longer competing. And honestly, do you want to hear about the monetary policy of South Sudan, Syrian refugees, and the unending Somalian disaster? Or would you like to hear Old Man McGregor tell another racist joke? That’s what we thought.

                           

    
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