ISSUE 51

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 Memory loss: it’s the new medical treatment that’s sweeping the globe. At Amnesia International, instead of doing away with Alzheimer’s and other neurocognitive diseases, we have decided to embrace them in the way that the US embraced Russia during WWII—tentatively but with the glossy-eyed hope that yes, this will work if we believe hard enough.
 See we’re taking a page out of nature’s book, the one that’s brutal and has trouble with math. But with our help, maybe we can fold that page into a paper airplane or a suave origami crane to impress your friends. They will look at your crane and say, You’re denying your problems exist again, aren’t you? Yes, yes you are.
 Our treatment is all about taking perceived negatives and transforming them into positives. The dandelions in your lawn are no longer weeds when you want them there. And when they take over the rest of your lawn, it’s like, Hey, that’s totally cool. It’s all natural, man.   
 We like to call it alternative science, which is like normal science but with green tea extract, Krishna, and a bottle of gin. So, maybe our clinical trials were conducted in a high school lab. And sure, they didn’t all go so well, and yeah, maybe we still can’t find Kenny. The point is that he seemed really, really happy—far too happy for someone with that many needles in them.
 Whatever. The point is that the most powerful antidote to your problems is to forget they exist. Look at all of the happiest people in the world—retirees. Who has the hardest time remembering what happened for the first thirty years of their life? Retirees. Suddenly playing bingo, losing your car keys, and forgetting to put on underwear sounds really nice, doesn’t it? 
 We’ve taken these basic facts of reality—retirees, happiness, memory loss, the movie Memento—and combined them to form our treatment. We believe firmly in the fact that science is better when you make up the parts that don’t make sense. Correlation, causation, sound hypotheses, basic science… we only know those words mean we’re right.
 We offer top medical science and cutting breakthroughs, by which we mean a return to prehistoric days, by which we mean lots of liquor and a brick. The brick, however, is very red. The basic procedure is to drink until your short-term memory looks like an omelet with lots of avocado. Then we use our laboratory-tested brick and hit you in the cerebral cortex until you either forget you hate your husband or lose most of your early childhood memories.
 So right now, you’re thinking: Why would anyone in their right mind pay someone to hit them with a brick? And I don’t buy that part about old people and happiness. It seems way too much like a crazy scheme to steal my money. Well… there’s a lot of alcohol, you forgot about that part.   
 Okay. Let’s try again. Say you’ve had this “surgery,” and it’s “worked.” You no longer remember anything or anyone before fifteen minutes ago. The simple things—eating, sleeping, rediscovering how much you like donuts, staring at a television that’s turned off—are now your life, and you are utterly content.
 In a world where forgiveness is as hard as calling the IRS for more information on your tax returns, amnesia is the easy solution. Getting past issues is simple when you don’t have any memory of them. Say goodbye to your problems with family, politics, climate change, your mortgage, your co-workers, dental cleanings, and Steve. Nirvana has never been so easy.
 And sure, some “haters” may say that without forgiveness, personal growth is impossible, that without memory we would be stuck desperately trying to remember whether we’d left the burner on back home. Hey, it’s not people with Alzheimer’s that have problems with the memory loss; it’s people without Alzheimer’s that do. And if everyone had Alzheimer’s, no one would have a problem. Wow, you say. Thank you for showing me the path of reason.   
 You’re welcome. So, what do you say to a lifetime of asking directions and then happily driving around in circles for the rest of the day? How about getting the rush of seeing Star Wars for the first time again and again? Forgetfulness is like magic beans that change your world. At Amnesia International, we only offer you the beans.

                           

    
While you're here, read about how Jesus was picked on by his brothers.
   
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