ISSUE 47

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 BE ON GUARD for the illegal candy smuggling ring this Halloween, aka the “trick or treaters.” No longer is October 31 only a day for children to imitate the life of a desperate druggy, for the lady who looks like a witch to finally fit in, and for theater majors to remember what it’s like to have dreams.
 Do NOT be taken in by children’s cute costumes with the fairy wings or the adorable two-year-old who’s a tiger. Be STRONG, even if she can’t say “trick or treat” right and it’s her second Halloween and everything is so new and innocent and you feel like the world has hope again. Okay, so maybe the tiger kid is okay. But everyone one else is SUPER DANGEROUS.
 Police informants—aka the kid dressed up as a rat—have reported that Jimmy Park over there has twenty Snickers in his bag he stole from the naïve elderly couple who left out the candy bowl and went to dinner. If we know anything, he has a copy of Ten Tips On Turning Your Class Into Lil’ Fascists and How To Pick On Pablo: A Guide To The Threat Of Difference. That’s right Jimmy. We know A TERRORIST when we see one dressed up as a teenage mutant ninja turtle. 
 This is AMERICA, where the doormat could be booby-trapped so we sidestep it just in case. Nice try Bin Laden. That’s one more for the red, white, and blue. You say “suspicion,” we say, “wiretaps on your conversations with Grandma.” And yes, she should get that rash on her arm checked out. 
 Suspicion is the first step to safety. What do the children want from you—candy or your soul? What’s actually in their “bags” anyways? And why does that graduate student keep coming back? The true horror here is not America’s murky position in the Middle East or those poisoned baby seals off the coast of Greenland. Those were MINOR DISCREPANCIES in an otherwise flawless history.  
 This is all beside the POINT. The “children” coming up to your “door” are demon-crazed spawn controlled by America’s enemies in Operation Forceful Candy Take From You Lots Yes. They, uh, weren’t too good on the whole translation bit.
​ It begins with their eyes. Gaze into those seemingly endless depths and your sanity fades like the Republican Party’s credibility. After, you will feel a soft but firm grip on your forearm and then in a voice of surprisingly deep timbre, “But I believe you’ve forgotten to give me the passwords to your country’s intercontinental ballistic missile system.”
 It doesn’t matter that you don’t have them. It doesn’t matter that if your doctor found out how many Kit-Kats you’ve eaten tonight, he would personally sign your death certificate. It doesn’t matter that you should have told Jocelyne Smith you loved her before she married that dick. You’re in THEIR control now. The rest of your life will be spent as a mole in whatever profession you have—waitress, schoolteacher, mechanic, bouncy castle inflator—doing whatever it is moles do. Should have paid more attention to this memo.   
 Intelligence reports have yet to ascertain what the enemies’ overall goal is. Initial reports mention a GIANT GUMMI BEAR and that the Henderson house is giving away king-size candy bars again this year. Reports remain varied as to the scale and threat of the bear, whether it will begin by attacking New York City or slowly melt in direct sunlight. All we know is a giant gummy bear may or may not be keeping to the shade in or around New York. MAYBE.        
 What should you do if you find yourself in contact with a trick-or-treater? How do you know if you’re dealing with a threat or an unfortunate non-threat? If the person has a sign that says, “I am a threat,” this means that person may be a threat, or they are someone who enjoys impersonating threats. In either case, it is generally FROWNED UPON to trap the subject in your refrigerator until he or she admits they are a terrorist. 
 The best course of action is to black out your house, adopt an alternate identity, and slowly go INSANE. If there’s nothing to steal in your mind, why would anyone break in? If this does not appeal to you, then hand out toothpaste or flyers for your landscaping business. Generally, this makes the prospect of being in any way associated with you so dismal that not even Jimmy would dare try. This is your only hope.

                 
   
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