ISSUE 46

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 The mob is looking to hire in the Colorado area! We are looking for someone with a positive attitude, a go-getter spirit, and who doesn’t mind dealing with dead bodies. If this sounds like you and you have a passion for getting blood out of carpet, sampling food to see if it's poisoned, staring unwaveringly, being punched/shot/smooth-talked by Keanu Reaves, and wearing sunglasses, apply now.   
 Benefits of the position include the rush of power that comes with having a semi-automatic rifle in your hands, killing off your enemies, working with real convicts, all the fun drugs and a few of the not-so-fun ones, and proving to your high school English teacher that you can have a career blossom out of torturing rabbits.  
 We do not require a certain degree of education. However, we desire the candidate to have a firm background in: any family business like real estate, restaurant ownership, or dry cleaning, any of the previous as a front for illegal gambling, drugs, kitten smuggling, or gluten-free bread, beating people senseless with a baseball bat, “housekeeping,” “fishing,” “bartending,” or any other profession that can be mentioned with a wink.
 This position will require:
  • Superior organizational skills. Our company involves high-stakes money laundering operations, where you will need to sort piles of money into different, larger piles of money, then re-divide those piles and sort them into smaller, neater piles that go to people with guns and very bad breath. Their money goes into separate offshore accounts that are organized by color, number, and arcane slips of paper that don’t reference anything in particular.
  • Superb relational skills. The ideal candidate deals with minor conflicts with swift, brutal justice. Cutting off the fingertips of the family of the Burger King employee who mistakenly gave you a fish sandwich would be an example. Or shoving your girlfriend in the trunk of your car when she mentions your shirt is tacky, this is also good.
  • ​Working as a team in a fast-paced, near-death situations. Ever had a spray of 9 mm bullets come toward you through a flimsy wall while you took a shot of cocaine and then stood with an Uzi and screamed unintelligible war cries, like “This is for you albino!” or “Never forget the big freeze!”? Let’s just say we party hard and engage in inter-familial warfare even harder.
 For the interview, we ask the candidate to remain calm, as we assume the cops will be listening in on the conversation. Rather, we will begin by enquiring as to where we could purchase an umbrella. The conversation will then proceed to the point where you are not sure whether we are actually wondering about the benefits of several waterproof fabrics, or if we’ve asked you to poison your aunt.
 Interview tip! When we ask where you put the corpse of the last person you “took care of,” point to the floor boards under our feet. Bonus points if the person is still alive and when you point, they hammer to get out.  
 Interviews, necessary education, and employment contracts aside, we do not require anything else of our applicants. The mob is an equal opportunity employer, by which we mean equal opportunity for Italian Americans. No blacks, Jews, Hispanics, LGBTQ+, Russians, or Asians. We also offer internships for any young achievers who want to further their career by being like the nameless thugs killed in The Godfather.
 Interested? Apply first using our online application where you will need to re-type everything you already have on your resume, then we will contact you if we think you would be a good fit. Our employment contracts are all signed in the blood of the last person who worked the job. If this bothers you or goes against any moral convictions, this is probably not the ideal position for you. If this appeals to you or you may have had a hand in the murder, we like the way you do. Positions and personnel go quickly, so apply today.

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