Great. Let’s start. First off, the basics. Say, you have to go to the bathroom at a restaurant. The best way to excuse yourself from the table is to leave in the middle of a conversation or to simply shout, “OH NO. OH GOD NO. NOT AGAIN.” These exits make it clear you don’t mess around when it comes to urination.
After wandering around for ten to thirty minutes, you will find the restroom, which unfortunately is only for one person. If the door has an occupied sign, try shaking it in a way that suggests you haven’t taken your medication lately, as if you are going to be trampled by a horde of marauding Huns and all that separates you from salvation is the door to this restroom.
If you feel so led, smash the door with your fist and know the person inside is cowering in the corner, franticly looking around for a weapon should the monster outside dropkick the door down and murder her, defenseless, alone, thinking, Why, oh why, did I decide to use the Chipotle restroom?
Most often, nothing will come of your efforts, seeing as the individual inside must physically turn a deadbolt to reveal the occupied sign, and generally this reinforced metal is stronger than the force of your intended intrusion. Do not be disheartened! Passive aggression is active aggression’s sneaky brother that gets what you want without admitting anything is wrong. It’s like closing your eyes and punching someone, then blaming them when they ask why you hit them.
Passive aggression can be accomplished by coughing, shuffling your feet loudly, and complaining to people next to you. Like what is the guy doing in there anyways? I might go get the manager. Or Hand me that sledgehammer and let’s see how strong this door is. This should speed up the process, especially if you start counting down loudly.