ISSUE 44

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 Tomorrow will be the end of the world. So, when a dogmatically positive person hears you fell out of a third story window and your dog died and your car is a broken bike, when this guy tells you, “Hey, it’s not the end of the world, right?” You can look him straight in the eyes and say, “But it is Jerry. It is the end of the world.” And then laugh in the way God laughed when he created Texas.
 It will be a normal day until oh say around noon, just enough time to where someone could easily think, The world probably won’t end today. And then it will end on your lunch break or when you get groceries for the next week, and you’ll be like, Screw this. And throw a gallon of milk out the window.  
 The end, the end, the end! As with most global catastrophes, it will be caused by unrelated things that come together in unexpected ways to kill everyone. In other words, that guy with the doomsday sign and the JWs and the Mayans might have been on to something… but also not. 
 First off, a comet larger than Superman could deflect will strike. NASA will miss the comet because they are busy looking for Earth-like planets that DON’T HAVE ANY WATER. The comet splits into sixteen fragments that smash into the most liberal cities across the world but mostly San Francisco. If there’s anything to be learned from apocalyptic movies, it’s that those granola-crunchers have to die. 
 At the same time as the comet, rabbits will implement their plan to conquer humanity, a plan you would never expect to work well but apparently will. That’s why they run so quickly when you approach them—because they think you know. The rabbits who lie still when you’re close aren’t in on the conspiracy, obviously. It’s like in high school when there’s a fire and everyone but Johnny gets out because he was in the bathroom or smoking dope or trapped in the supply closet or whatever, and the non-informed rabbits are Johnny. Well, it’s kind of like that.
 And the despair… basically, some people read a newspaper and decide that with all of the potential zombie outbreaks and student debt and idiots that life is puttering along anyways, so why not save on a new transmission and junk it? The fact that a comet, rabbits, and mass suicide line up on the same day will be a funny thing—well, not funny for the dead people but funny for someone surely.

 Luckily—unlike all of these other schleps—you have doomsday insider knowledge, top secret info, a line to Putin for the best temperature to burn some documents super quick. And if you look past the massive death and destruction involved, this is really the best way for the world to end.
 If everyone knows the world is kaputzing tomorrow, good luck getting anything done. Apparently, a lot of people become looters and rapists and drug addicts if there are no consequences, as if the only thing keeping people’s murderous impulses at bay is knowing they’d spend the rest of their lives in an enclosed space with other people like them. But mention there’s one day left and say goodbye to decency and moral fiber. This train is going to hell. Pass the bacon.    
 Who are these people? They must be around, blending in like an actual vampire at a Twilight convention. One can only expect their career options are limited: real estate developer, dental hygienist, serial killer. But they’re there, behind you in the frozen foods section, waiting for you to try to take the last pack of taquitos. They’re advertising on late night television for a quick fix to an insoluble problem. Say “destruction,” “tax evasion,” or “root canal” and their eyes glimmer like a cat when it sees an injured bird.
 Lucky for you, however, these awful people are still bound by the threat of incarceration, paring away their time selling penny stocks to dementia patients. They have no idea that tomorrow’s the day. So, go ahead. Get some peaches, hug your loved ones, forget the dental cleaning and double down on the Reese’s peanut butter cups. But avoid the rabbits. 

             
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