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 Due to the restriction of the eastern lowland gorilla’s habitat, Colorado residents may notice pre-adolescent to mature apes in or around their environment. Individuals have reported primates consuming samples at Costco, nesting in stairwells, impersonating President Trump, and huddling in their backyard looking enviously at their banana, pith, and leaf supply.
 Generally, gorillas will not approach humans unless threatened or offered a tempting lease on a new Subaru Outback. Keep a safe distance. Do NOT approach, feed, offer friendship, intimidate, seduce, ask to unscrew the lid off a can, or introduce to your friend as a “keeper.”
 Emotionally insecure individuals may potentially find themselves attracted to members of the gorilla species. Be cautious when pursuing a relationship. Regardless of how well-groomed you find yourself, do not be taken in by a gorilla’s promises of a time share in the Democratic Republic of Congo.
 Gorillas have been known to profess undying love, move into a two-bedroom apartment, and combine finances only to inexplicably destroy most of the living room and leave with most of the fresh fruit. This is classic manipulative behavior, and individuals finding themselves in such a situation should seek the help of a psychiatrist and/or a zoologist. 
 Officials have issued an ongoing investigation to determine why gorillas have migrated to Colorado and not to areas in sub-Saharan Africa. They may be attracted to Colorado’s burgeoning tech market, active outdoor culture, craft breweries, and recent legalization of marijuana.
 Head primate coordinator Joan Kendall has found evidence the apes originally boarded cargo planes to locate King Kong, offer him their allegiance, and take over the world—but boarded the wrong plane to Denver. Others believe they are a collective hoax put on by Gorillas International, while Reformed Primatists believe the gorilla influx is the “Great Plague of Apes” as referenced by the Biblical book of Revelation.  
 In order to reduce the impact of a potential homeless primate crisis, emergency shelters dedicated to the housing and the psychiatric well-being of apes are being offered. Plans are also under way for the construction of three hundred affordable housing units, all dedicated to maintaining a near-constant temperature of ninety-six degrees and a dense lowland rainforest environment. 
 Unfortunately, some gorillas remain at risk. Residents may view at-risk primates camping under an overpass, hitchhiking on I-25, attempting to purchase designer clothing, or smearing feces on self-checkout machines at Whole Foods. Residents are asked not to acknowledge primates but to call 1-800-BIGMONK immediately.  
 At-risk primates have also been known to perpetuate “monkey cons.” To avoid scams, be wary of the following: crudely-built huts selling rudimentary tools, overly hairy individuals soliciting religion door-to-door, banana email scams, Planet of the Apes, and anyone who communicates in hoots.
 Colorado residents are asked to educate themselves on the gorilla species. The following literature has been approved by the Colorado Panel On Primate Migration: Monkeys And You: What To Do When Mistaken For a Female Gorilla In Heat by Grand Master Ape, Lovable: Our Big Hairy Relatives by Tar Zan, Gun Control And The Gorilla: A History by John McCain, 1990-2017 gorilla crime statistics courtesy of the Pew Research Center, and the full Gorillaz musical library.  
 It is likely that more gorillas and other primates including the chimpanzee, orangutan, and baboon intend to immigrate to Colorado. The effect of this sudden immigration is still unknown. Property values may skyrocket. A banana crisis may be imminent. Residents are asked not to panic.
 This has been a public service announcement. Your regular programing will now continue.  
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