ISSUE 38

<<<  PREVIOUS
NEXT  >>>
   
 Follow these steps and instantly be on your way to ALPHA MALE DOMINANCE. Don’t question anything, not your choice in underwear, not your ability to run a country. Big words are confusing and allow for nuance. Nuance? Alphas live in a yes or no world. Yes, I would like to purchase shady oil contracts from unstable dictatorships. No, do not give me a pamphlet for saving the blue whale.
  So, instead of complicated words use small words like BOMB, BEER, BOOM, BAM, WAA-POW, and SMASH. Only refer to women as SHE-BEASTS. They respect this use of language, as well as picking up their personal objects with greasy hands and putting them down in the wrong place.
  A perfect alpha male expression would be: BAM! ME WANT SMASH BOMB BEER SHE-BEAST. This works on many levels. It could mean “I would like to impregnate a woman and/or procure cheap liquor,” “I am a potential terrorist and this place seems to have the right amount of women and children,” or “Could you direct me to the nearest NRA gathering?”
  For an Alpha, there is NO NEED for conjunctions or clarification. The urine marking the chair means that chair is always taken. The lamp is broken because talking through problems is hard. The animal carcass out back was a caribou, and it increases the property value.
  Walk with a long stride and a purpose, and carry a LARGE, BLOODY KNIFE to heighten the suspense. Pay attention to these things especially when you have lost something. Nothing says dominance like an alpha with a sharp object striding in circles, franticly looking under tables, and muttering. It means, “I sense a wounded female deer was here three hours ago.”
  Bodily appearance as an Alpha is important. Some people believe that the body is composed of many parts, but as an Alpha, this just isn’t true. Sixty percent of the body is chest, twenty-eight percent is arms, and two percent is brain. As a rule, the brain is useful primarily to remember not to crap yourself.    
  If at all possible, sharpen your canine teeth and have a raw leg of mutton on your person at all times. This skips many social pleasantries to get to the main point. Nothing says “I have large genitalia” more than tearing into a dead sheep while barely clothed.
 Using your physicality to express your prowess is key because at some most almost all points in the Alpha’s life, he will desire to PROCREATE. To do this he must create a nest composed of discarded newspaper, bright pieces of ribbon, and powerful sedative drugs. Once a she-beast is impressed or merely feels pity, the Alpha can consummate the TENDER ACT OF LOVE, deny any emotional connection, and leave forever.   
 DO NOT “fall in love” in this process. Fall in love and months later you have six pups, a thirty-year mortgage, and a job impressing tourists at the Toronto Zoo. No more running in the woods without clothes; no more taking down a full-grown mule deer on a Saturday. Your rippled muscular form will become a podgy, listless fur ball sucking up and paying taxes. Alphas DON’T PAY TAXES. Alphas COLLECT TAXES through fraud, racketeering, and good, old fashioned extortion.
 All these could be yours. Being an Alpha is a process that begins and ends RIGHT NOW. Join the elite that inhabit those hallowed halls: the fearless wolf pack leader Grimm, Mongol warlord Genghis Khan, the feared serial killer “Man-Crusher,” and Jim from accounting.
 Some may say the era of the Alpha has ended, that teamwork and compassion are the rules of the game. Life is not a game—unless that game is RUTHLESS DOMINANCE. Life is natural selection, evolution, where you must protect your right to drink first at the watering hole and stare down everyone you meet.
  One need only consider the alternatives to Alpha-ness: weakness, ordering vegetarian, respecting people in service professions, holding doors open, empathy, voting Democrat. But as an Alpha, act now and think only when the police ask about that missing hiker.
  You have no time to waste. BEAT LIFE. BEAT DOWN YOUR ENEMIES. BEAT DOWN YOUR FRIENDS. BECOME AN ALPHA NOW.
   
NEW ISSUES EVERY FRIDAY 
There’s a Facebook and all that crap.
Also, help The Squid Weekly take over the world.
SHARE THIS WITH PEOPLE. DESTROY THEIR BRAIN IN A GOOD WAY.
Shove it into their hands and shout, “I LOVE YOU."
Cram it into their social media feed.
They need this.