ISSUE 36

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 Hello. My name is Marie, and I will be your neurotic waitress today. Our specials include undercooked rice with a few dilapidated vegetables and… chicken? Yeah, it was probably chicken at one point. Or you can order some god-forsaken cow whose last moos were, I wish I could see my mother again.
 We’ll make this any way but the one you requested and leave it on a cold plate until the maximum number of flies allowed by the USDA accumulate. Our restaurant’s promise is to get it to your table fifteen to twenty minutes after your partner’s food gets there because basically, if you stay longer, it looks like we’re not another SWAT raid away from being shut permanently.
 My personal favorite on the menu is the canned peaches because it’s usually the last thing the rats get into. Do not, under any circumstance, order the chili or the French dip. We have no idea what au jus is, and I can guarantee that’s not real roast beef. Actually, most of the things on the menu are prepared in a microwave, buuuut we make sure to burn it a little, just to, you know, disinfect it real good.
  I’d also stay away from the water because we’re pretty close to that old nuclear plant, and a bunch of nuclear stuff has probably seeped into the ground water. One time I drank it, and I was in a coma for three weeks. I still can’t say large words or walk in a straight line. The beer is all right, and the more you drink, the better this place seems. The wine is grape juice we’ve fermented ourselves. The coffee is instant. 
  Don’t worry about specifying your order. I can only pay attention to reality when it involves sharp objects or being separated from a supply of alcohol. Also, I totally don’t do kids, old people, or high maintenance. So, when you say you’re allergic to nuts, I hear a way to get rid of you easily explained in court.
 Our restaurant does not cater to vegetarians… obviously. But if you want, I can pull some weeds in the back and a couple of berries off those fitzer bushes. Dandelions are edible, right? And we sprayed them with Round-up, so some extra protein for you! I hear you vegetarians need that. Also, I heard somewhere that dirt is the new vegan thing. So, don’t be surprised if you find that and some bird feathers in your salad. To be honest though, I would fill up on the free jam and Splenda packets. That’s what I do when I go out to eat.
 You may wonder why I look like I slept in a ditch last night. It’s a long story, but let’s just say I won’t drink that many energy drinks with my medication again. And yes, I did get these tattoos when I was drunk. Sigh. Let’s just say my father would not be proud of the life I lead.   
 About the coffee… well, when your cup is empty, you’ll try to find me, but I’ll be smoking weed in the back with the bipolar waiter who’s going to stab the next person who complains about the rice. For your sake, though, I’d lay off the “decaf” coffee because… well, eleven o’clock tonight you’ll understand. 
 Also, if you’re wondering where your kid went, he might be playing with the pit bull chained to the fence out back, or he could have fallen in one of the holes in the restaurant’s floor. He could be frying up some potatoes too. It’s like one of those parent-child cooking classes you pay a lot of money for, except in this case it’s with our manic-depressive cook and your kid also learns about airplane chemtrails and 9/11 conspiracy theories and how his grandma is trying to kill him.
 The bathroom is through the kitchen in the supply closet. Just make sure to dump the bucket out back when you’re done. There are some spiders in there, but I’ve checked and most of them aren’t dangerous. Aaaand you can read all of the crazy stuff racists have written on the wall. You can totally add your own too.     
  If my manager comes around, spot me and tell him I’m doing a good job. I super need this gig. And leave a big tip too. Cheap liquor doesn’t buy itself you know. Got all that? All right. I’ll see you in half an hour. I need a smoke.
   
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