ISSUE 34

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 After twenty years of research, scientists have concluded Harry Potter turns readers into worshipers of the occult, as can be noted by the inexplicable rise in the sacrifice of small helpless animals. Churches of the occult, previously found in basements and back alleys of Barnes And Noble bookstores, have been slowly infiltrating our institutions, resulting in legislation favoring Satan and malevolent mythical creatures.
 One typical case is Little Jimmy Shoemaker from Duluth, Minnesota. Within three months of reading The Sorcerer’s Stone, Little Jimmy had begun peddling demon possessed crucifixes to his classmates. During recess, he performed séances and preached the gospel of the Chosen One to his classmates, soon causing “The Crayon Uprising.” The rebellion was quelled but only after the use of tear gas and tranquilizer solution placed in the school’s supply of milk. 
 No longer is Harry Potter solely for adolescents, however. The recent bipartisan passing of the American Witches And Wizards Act, which provides retirement and pension benefits for magicians nationwide, was traced to a Tuesday movie night in which several congressmen viewed The Prisoner of Azkaban. In a separate undercover investigation, several senators professed allegiance to Slytherin and were plotting the return of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. 
 The recent publishing of Satanism: The Bestest Religion Ever? has been instrumental in the canonization of some of the more controversial elements of what has been deemed “Potterism.” The components include the deification of J.K. Rowling, pilgrimage to Diagon Alley, daily prayers to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and the complete destruction of the current world order.
  The sudden surge in the purchase of fake wands, Death Eater insurance, and tall pointy hats is also traceable to a fascination with the occult. From its conception in 1997, the mega-store Spells-R-Us—not to be confused with Spells-R-Not-Us—has grown 67,000 percent, employing 20 percent of the US blue-collar workforce.
 The most distinct area of growth is in the increase of computer hauntings. Demon possession in the pre-digital age resulted in individuals with their head rotated 180 degrees, crawling on the top of the ceiling, puking out copies of The God Delusion. But now any Harry Potter material on a computer may cause the device to dye its screen black, dabble in Ouija, and download vast quantities of emotionally-distraught punk rock.
   
  These computers control the air defense of the eastern seaboard, the voting records of every US citizen, Facebook, and much of England. In a recent development, the passwords to release the United States’ nuclear weapons were changed to obscure characters in the Potter universe. Earth’s fate now depends on whether the free world can remember the name of the guy who did that one thing, you know, with the spell.
  It may be that you know someone who is a Potterist. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to detect when a relatively benign Potterist has lost all psychiatric control and is plotting your murder. If you smell freshly baked cookies or detect a new brand of soap in the bathroom, it may already be too late. The best recourse is to counter their “book clubs” and costume parties with pre-emptory gunfire and ostracism.
  One way to avoid accidental conversion is to reject Harry Potter books, movies, cultural references, magic, sticks that look like wands, griffins, centaurs, people who resemble Harry Potter, schools, and individuals with red hair. If you encounter Potterist material, immediately remove whatever part of your body has come in contact with the offending article.
  If you have dabbled in Potterist literature yourself, please report to the nearest government office with a sign on your person that reads, “Please take away my dignity.” You may be infected beyond all hope of recall. If you have developed a near irresistible attraction to Emma Watson or Daniel Radcliffe, you will be subject to a full body search and restricted to a straitjacket for the duration of your life. 
  Remember that all precautions and quarantine measures is for the safety of you and your loved ones. A free Potterist is a dangerous Potterist. A dangerous Potterist is a threat. Threats, especially those from fantastical novels, need to be dealt with.   

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