THE SQUID WEEKLY
ISSUE 33
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Long has the mighty seagull kept its prized spot at the top of the scavenging pack—picking through sandy Doritos and half-eaten sandwiches, crapping on tourists, and occasionally suffocating on a plastic bag. And, rightly enough, the seagulls are proud of their country and of their origins—the legendary dodo, whose only flaw was being a small, flightless bird who didn’t do enough cardiovascular exercise.
In US history, seagulls have consistently made it into Forbes’ “Top Ten Birds To Have Changed Society,” and only three years ago, Lamar Birdsley graced the cover of Time magazine as the seagull covered in oil slick. Birdsley was later admitted into the Avian Hall Of Fame, whose other members include Toucan Sam, Big Bird from Sesame Street, and the bird hit by a Randy Johnson fastball.
But the plight of white seagulls is under attack. Green Peace initiatives to help endangered birds and affirmative action programs are taking place across the country. The sudden influx of pigeons, herons, robins, sparrows, and that overly large seagull with the wandering eye has left gulls at a crucial junction.
Gulls fear what they stand to lose: the overcrowding of their beach, avian welfare, and the loss of their traditions, only to be replaced by big city birds who care little for small town fowl. What does a pigeon know of beach life? Strolling unheeded into rush hour traffic, extorting politicians, and holding up passerby for leftover food—these are things rural gulls don’t want to know anything about.
Thus, seagulls have united in the Avian Educated White Male Association For National Birds Everywhere (But Mostly For Seagulls) (abbrev. A.E.W.M.A.F.N.B.E. (B.M.F.S.)). This organization seeks to influence Congress mostly through peaceful means but will fly into airplane engines, expel feces on the president’s motorcade, and stare in a disconcerting way if necessary.
The association’s first goal is to garner public support. To these ends, gull advocates have adopted the tactics of Save The Children and Green Peace, and circulate seafood markets and outdoor malls, cawing obnoxiously whenever individuals with food are present. Unfortunately, most advocates were yelled at or shooed off with newspapers, much like their Green Peace counterparts.
On the political side, the association has focused on government officials. Only yesterday, a seagull lobbyist received the last of a Fritos bag from Senator Johnson of Louisiana. This is progress, and the director of A.E.W.M.A.F.N.B.E. (B.M.F.S.) believes the seagull community can expect his vote when the bill goes to Congress.
What exactly is in this bill? Generally, the legislation aims to make anything with seagull feces on it to be seagull property and for more cracker-orientated snacks to be made available. The gulls also want more government support of the working class, especially unemployment benefits for gulls who fly into windows. To gather momentum, seagulls have also engaged the Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram audience. Most posts involve blurry photos of water and buoys, obscure leftist rants, and tweets consisting of the letter “g” one hundred and forty times. However, the Facebook page has more than two million followers, many of whom are Millennials who think they are supporting a startup clothing company called GULL. The fact that no apparel or any mention of clothing can be found on the page has not dissuaded these ardent followers.
The organization seeks to have legislation in place by 2020, but like many groups, its goals will certainly change as time goes on. A focus on the seagull community may easily slide to an extreme white bird nationalism and vicious attacks on any creature that doesn’t find raw fish guts appealing. Or gulls could embrace their fellow avian and form a united front for the reduction of bird heart disease from unhealthy fast food. Time can only tell where A.E.W.M.A.F.N.B.E. (B.M.F.S.) will go.
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