ISSUE 31

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  Moose: This is the Birds and Beasts' News Report—news by wild animals, for wild animals. I’m Jeff Moose.  
  Deer: And I’m Susan Deer.
 Jeff: Good news for scavengers this morning. Heronsley, our reporter in the sky, has informed us that a dumpster behind the Whole Foods has been filled with expired pastries and organic vegetables. The container looks to be unguarded with the lid open. Remember folks that according to new avian regulations, entering grocery stores and defecating on the produce is now frowned upon.  
  Susan: Now we turn to a sad item in the news. Local prairie dog and mother of eight pups Meredith Henderson has been the victim of a hit and run. Witnesses report that the perpetrator was driving a GMC Yukon and may have accelerated the car in order to hit the crossing animal. According to her husband, she was attempting to cross the road to forage and possibly dig a hole.
  Officer Buck Anderson was the first to report on the scene and commented that Meredith was “definitely dead” and “smeared beyond all recognition really.” Johnny Henderson, recently bereaved of his mother, had this to say,
“Cheep, cheep… cheep, cheep, cheep, cheep. Cheep.”
  Jeff: Wow. Such wisdom from a two-month-old pup. I think we can all take a lesson from those words, don’t you think Susan? 
  Susan: Truly, Jeff. Truly.
 Jeff: In other news, according to leading psychologist and researcher Dr. Bunny Foo Foo, hawk violence is up twenty percent from last spring. Dr. Foo Foo had this to say,
“We’ve always had testy relationships with birds of prey, but according to recent surveys and data, we’ve seen around twenty more deaths per week. Before a rabbit could expect to live a relatively peaceful life in Mr. McGregor’s vegetable garden, but the outdoors are now filled with fear.”
 Susan: Rabbit and other hopping communities continue to advocate claw control, citing that claws are only used to disembowel rabbits and contribute to more bunny killings than anything else. Pro-claw hawks argue de-clawing would only take away the tools they need to survive and to protect them from other wild beasts. Concealment experts continue to recommend that in dangerous situations rabbits should lie perfectly still and pretend no one can see them.
  Jeff: We turn to our head meteorologist Ed Rooster for the forecast. What’s the weather going to be this week Ed?
  Ed: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
  Susan: Same weather again, huh? It seems we’ve had a chance of rain, snow, sun, and wind for a while now.
  Ed: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
  Susan: All right, all right. Shut up. Shut up! 
  Jeff: Today marks the conclusion of a thirty-year study by squirrels. They investigated why the other side of the road looks appealing until a squirrel gets to the middle of the road, at which point the other side looks a whole lot worse than the side they left. Despite extensive research, results were inconclusive. Some researchers think that the chemical composition of the grass actually changes at the midway point, while others believe it has something to do with the short-sightedness of squirrels.
 Susan: Well, Jeff, I think most every animal has experienced the sort of thing squirrels are talking about. But this one will just have to be a mystery, like why approaching headlights are so fascinating. 
  Jeff: Yep. I hear you there, Susan. Well, that concludes our news report. Remember to stay safe out there wild animals. From the Dowling’s back yard, I’m Jeff Moose, biding you a good night.  
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