ISSUE 30

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  Ever find yourself drinking alone on the couch on a Tuesday afternoon and think, I want my life to be better but I can’t seem to find the energy/inspiration/remote? Do you spend nights listlessly scrolling through YouTube for a video that turns out to be significantly less funny than you thought but watch it twenty times anyways?  
  Do we have the drug for you! It’s Motiva, for when obscene amounts of coffee, energy drinks, and cocaine won’t get you where you need to be. The key component of Motiva—SuperChemical 156X—is scientifically guaranteed to turn you into a megalomaniacal, work-hauling machine.
  Unlike most other drugs, which simply treat the symptoms of “depression” and “indigestion,” Motiva fundamentally changes your brain chemistry, making you impervious to relaxation, criticism, gunfire, and human emotion.
 Before Carl took Motiva, he was a socially ostracized underperformer; now he is a socially ostracized overperformer. 
  Carl: I just couldn’t believe the difference. I used to take a break to relax and have fun, but now I never do that. I learned the essential truth. Relaxation isn’t reality. Hard work is reality.
  I haven’t sat down in five months! Since January, I’ve built three businesses from scratch, married five women, given my children more quality time than they could handle, divorced five women, hunted down potential terrorists at my old office, contracted cancer, remodeled my house, become the leading expert in 17th century French literature, trained my dog to be a cat, and trained my cat to be a dog.
  But Motiva isn’t only for people who wear the same sweatshirt for five months. Originally marketed to the CIA as a mind-control drug, Motiva is now something fun for moms to try when they no longer have time for sleep. It can also be used by anyone who finds their work has interfered with everything they used to value.
  In scientific tests on mice, Motiva was found to increase productivity by 1500 percent. In three days, mice had built a utopian society based around common values, become disillusioned with partisan bickering, and watched their cheese economy collapse when market futures were found to be fraudulent.
  At times, Motiva may give you inspiration when you least want it. This is normal and is key to the overwork aspect of SuperChemical 156X. When you most want to relax is when you most need to be working. 
  Side effects of Motiva include: waking up at three in the morning to fold laundry, realizing everyone else is a no-good deadbeat, picking up your neighbor’s dog shit, participating in phone surveys, and listening like you care. Other more serious side effects include: sudden death. 
  In some clinical trials, patients experienced the delusion they could actually do anything. If this occurs, please see someone whose dreams have died in incremental, painful ways for the past fifty years and receive “This Is How The World Works” Lecture. Under extreme circumstances, resort to a spontaneous military coup.    
  Motiva also works on anyone in your life you think needs motivation. Slip it in your daughter’s coffee and see how fast she abandons the boyfriend who sells knives door-to-door. Or give it to your co-worker you’ve been fantasizing about seriously injuring for years.   
  Motiva is available under the counter (wink, wink) and can be found by floating vague questions about the need for inspiration to everyone you encounter on a daily basis. It can also be purchased behind your local Walgreens from G-Money, the tattooed Motiva representative with dreads.  
  Never don’t not talk to your doctor about Motiva. Go ahead and assume you know everything about medicine from a dreamy commercial featuring an elderly man playing with children you assume are his grandchildren. Taking matters into your own hands is what Motiva is all about.
  And always remember: If you have any free time, you need Motiva. If you don’t have any free time, you need Motiva.
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