ISSUE 29

<<<  PREVIOUS
NEXT  >>>
   
  “Join the United States in air conditioning the world… No really.” This will be the 2037 slogan for a controversial initiative to cool the planet—and to massively increase the sale of air conditioners, ice cubes, fans, and albums by the rapper Ice Cube. Among other things, the US government will encourage individuals to direct A/C units outdoors, stating “if everyone cools the outside, then no one will have to cool the inside because, like you know, science.”
  Unfortunately, many air conditioning units will also issue toxic radiation at random intervals, due to blocks of plutonium being haphazardly nailed to the side of each unit. The “solution” will cool the planet by one hundred and twenty degrees and encase ninety percent of the US in five feet of ice. Polar bears will breed to the point where they gain political clout and seize much of the eastern seaboard as “payback.”
  President Chimp, who will furiously debate golden retriever Daisy in the 2032 election, will head the initiative. Top scientists will express anger and bewilderment, claiming that the “Great Air-Con” violates the basic rules of physics and will increase the world’s warming. In an audacious move, President Chimp will offer to groom the scientists and then proceed to destroy the Oval Office in what his aides have dubbed his “creative process.”
  Nominee Daisy will have a strong run, buoyed by her adorable, fun-loving nature and near constant enthusiasm to chase any thrown object. Ultimately, she will lose at the polls, mostly because of an inability to tell difference between an al-Qaeda terrorist and an American marine, instead labeling both as “the sort who might feed me food under the table.”
  Daisy will also capitulate to any interest group with Tasty Bits dog treats, which brings trouble when she supports the United American Racist Front and Balloons For All, an organization that provides orphans with one red balloon. Pundits, politicians, sound bite technicians, and Daisy’s owner Fred will agree that Balloons For All is a pretty worthless charity, almost as bad as investing in a college education in 2032.
  Most universities will be sponsored by fast food corporations, and every job will be offered on a first-come-first-served basis due to the immense increase in discrimination lawsuits. All groups will be protected, except upper-class white males, who will be required to spend five hours per day in a cardboard box begging for forgiveness. None will be forthcoming.  
   
  The Great Air-Con will not be the last of an eight-year period of American history some will call “The Amazing Chimp-tastrophe.” In a move that will stun even his most avid supporters, President Chimp will funnel most government assets into the implementation and growth of rainforest-type environments.
 Asked whether this would damage the American economy, seeing as no quality rainforest can actually be grown in the US—or anywhere due to the enormous ice fields covering most of the planet—President Chimp responded that he was unaware of any problems in his plan, rather tweeting, HOOO HOOO HAAA HAAA HAAAA.
  White House Press Secretary translated this to mean, “I understand and respect views different from mine, and this plan will not be implemented without full Congressional approval.” Two hours later, Big Ape New Awesome New Attraction Plan will be initiated, and many will agree the acronym B.A.N.A.N.A. may have been forced.   
  Convincing President Chimp to let go of B.A.N.A.N.A. will be the last of the White House worries, however. Presidential aides will spend most of their time preventing him from seeing Planet Of The Apes, whose plot line he will understand but whose fiction he will not. His cabinet will be half primates and half humans, who will argue ceaselessly over the proper place to defecate. Compromise will be reached to use the East Wing or—if not possible—ornamental pots placed at intervals around the White House.
  It will be a strange time for the United States. Fifteen A/C units per household will be the new social norm. Smart phones will eat little Johnny’s homework and little Johnny, and a monkey will be president. But no one will blink an eye because it’s all fake news. Only fools believe in the truth. And when a chimpanzee with more rights than a US citizen has designated your house as a new getaway for him and his chimp pals, denying reality might be the only thing to get you by.    
NEW ISSUES EVERY FRIDAY 
There’s a Facebook and all that crap.
Also, help The Squid Weekly take over the world.
SHARE THIS WITH PEOPLE. DESTROY THEIR BRAIN IN A GOOD WAY.
Shove it into their hands and shout, “I LOVE YOU."
Cram it into their social media feed.
They need this.