ISSUE 22

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  Sorry folks, we have a minor delay here. Just need to take apart the aircraft to look for our pilot’s iPhone and root out a couple of service ferrets in the baggage hold. Nothing too serious. Shouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes.
  [Thirteen hours later]
  We’re just waiting for the head engineer to return the message we sent by carrier pigeon to Idaho. Then three hours of paperwork, a couple shots of whiskey, and we’ll be on our way to Buttsville.  
  Remember that carry-on bags must be less than five inches square. If your carry-on does not fit our size specifications, we reserve the right to root through your personal items and remove those we like. 
  Feel free to check your bag for a small fee of $89. And for $29 more, you can be seventy-five percent sure your baggage will not be dismantled, mangled, maimed, smashed, molested, squashed, lost, or displayed to people who will laugh at your underwear.
  Per new regulations, undergarments, foods containing over one teaspoon of salt, photos of loved ones, and a sense of self-worth are not allowed in the aircraft. If these articles are found, passengers will spend the duration of the flight in an overhead bin. We reserve the right to eject anyone from the aircraft at any time during the flight without explanation.
  Please remember that our aircraft is not equipped with restrooms, smoke detectors, windows, flotation devices, oxygen masks, or seats. This is a standing room only flight, except for our Premium Extra-Gold Deity Members. PRAISE THEM FOR THEY ARE HOLY. PRAISE THEM.  
  For the rest of our degenerate customer swine, please keep your murderous impulses and burgeoning rage to a reasonable level. Frugal Airlines supports the use of natural selection to make room on this flight, as long as disputes are resolved quietly. Keep in mind we do not offer handicap assistance or support any advocacy groups. If you need assistance, Frugal Airlines is legally required to leave without you.    
   
  Please discard all children before entering the aircraft. If any children are found to be present before or after take-off, Frugal Airlines reserves the right to hold them captive. At the age of eighteen, they will be shipped to the America’s next violent quagmire.
  All bribes must involve winks and shrugs. If bribes are found to be less than fifty dollars, bribes will be taken but not acknowledged.
  If you see anyone acting suspicious, please keep it to yourself and hope they don’t board Frugal Airlines. If you see an unattended item, please confiscate and destroy the item yourself or ignore the problem and hope it goes away.  
  Before we take off, we want to extend a special offer to all of our passengers. Our airline rewards card allows you to collect miles you can’t use while building up debt you can’t afford. For every thousand dollars spent, you can earn three hundred thousand airline miles that can be spent every other leap year at midnight under a full moon.
  If at any point we create a safe, welcoming environment, please alert a crew member. We apologize for any convenience we may have caused. All complaints may be sent to yourself for choosing Frugal Airlines.
  Should you have any further questions or concerns, please dial 1-800-HELLHOLE. One of our customer service representatives in a city we can’t pronounce will be glad to waste your time. Or visit us online at our website made by cats walking around on a keyboard.  
  Again, we will begin boarding in a few moments. Thank you for being a cheapskate and remember: Always Fly Frugal.

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