The first rule of the Coalition of Rock-Paper-Scissors Advocates is, “Do not talk about the Coalition of Rock-Paper-Scissors Advocates.” The second rule is, “Empty the goddamn trashcan when it gets full.” If you’re reading this and you are not a member of the Coalition, congratulations, you found a loophole.
The Rock-Paper-Scissors Advocates are based around resolving conflict with a minimum of conflict, an idea as revolutionary as it is hard to understand. Imagine writing a letter to your local Congressman in code or soothing a crocodile with political correctness.
Respected member of the reptilians, you have expressed the desire to have exclusive alimentary rights to my left leg. I understand and recognize your feelings, and how they may conflict with mine. I am willing to compromise by giving you the lower half of my leg and to pay the monetary value of the other half so you may procure the equivalent sustenance from the local organic grocery.
From the coalition’s beginnings in childhood nostalgia, we have certainly grown. Through some old-fashioned pamphlet distribution and extortion, the United Nations adopted our strategies about a decade ago, though due to our first rule, they are not permitted to speak of it. Unbeknownst to almost everyone, most international policy is now decided by secret rock-paper-scissor matches in the President of the Security Council mother’s basement.
Our coalition offers three distinct philosophies—rock, paper, and scissors—but all hold to our central “Conflict Without Conflict” tenet. The rocks are harder, more grit, more action, the F-14 Tomcats of the half-assed-paper-airplane world we live in. If your first choice is violence and your last resort is talking about the violence you’ve already committed, then you might be a rock.
Right now, you may be asking: Why would any self-respecting rock follow our philosophy? Well, in the real world, the rock’s views land them in a cell with a Mexican drug cartel boss, and their ninth-grade Spanish is nowhere near what it used to be. So, the better option for rocks is our conflict resolution strategy, which is like a violent video game with your hands. It has all the thrill of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Vietnam without a pricey Xbox or getting owned by a fourteen-year-old in Ohio/Vietnam.