ISSUE 18

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 When you buy a car, do you ask if there’s a way to increase the carbon dioxide output? Maybe a lever that releases a cloud of toxic smoke and a monitor that gives you steps on how to flood more of Bangladesh? When you get ice cream, do you buy two so you can throw one away to proclaim your dominance? Ever look at a photo of the Alps and think, That would be a great location for a McDonald’s?
  Welcome fellow truth seeker to ANTI-Eco! Not only do we promise all of our products are organically uncertified and not approved by the USDA, we make sure to kill at least one endangered animal of your choice for every purchase. The Amur leopard, black rhino, and the eastern lowland gorilla steadily increasing their number? Not if we have anything to say about it.
  At ANTI-Eco, we actively discourage any pride in our employee’s work. The money from our products goes to anyone but the people that make it, who are from impoverished countries and wouldn’t know the difference between a fair and unfair employer if their factory burned down, which, as per company policy, happens every month.
  If you can’t stand change or difference, this is the store for you. We do not support minorities, women, LGBTQ+, feminine men, hipsters, hippies, blue-collar workers, children, humor, vegans, humorous vegans, the French, the uneducated, the overly educated, the poor, the elderly, those who don’t take initiative, those who take initiative but for the wrong things, immigrants, or anyone “different,” which the store manager will determine at the time of entrance.
  When we aren’t protecting our store from terrorists (see above), our products do that for us. Our store is tailored to your fears and insecurities—and BLASTING THEM TO SMITHEREENS.
  In stock, we have thirty thousand yards of barbed wire, moat diggers, crocodiles, solid steel doors, tripwire, bear traps, bigger bear traps, and much, much more. WWII leftover M4 Sherman tanks are waiting for you in our backlot. Those annoying Johnsons bought another Prius? Well, you have an eighty-thousand-pound war machine with a 75-mm cannon, so… who wins there? Not the environment that’s for sure.
  If you’re tired of cooking, we have a revolutionary line of raw meat products. Try the original Meaty Meat, the up-and-coming Meatier Meat, the NEW Meatiest Meat, Still-A-Twitchin’ Roadkill, Old Ma’s Possum, and Pa’s Deader-Than-Dead Deer.
   
  Weeds in the lawn? Try some Agent Orange! It does wonders in getting rid of bugs, dandelions, spiders, crabgrass, chickweed, aphids, that dog that keeps crapping on your lawn, and even those nit-picking Johnsons. It’s made by the respectable folks over at Monsanto and Dow Chemical, who have been voted America’s #1 agricultural producer ever since they liberated the small farmer of their work and land.
  Like “illegal” weapons? Boy oh boy, do we have a lot of those hanging around! Choose from rocket propelled grenades to M-16 assault rifles to M-40 sniper rifles with telescopic sight to L9 anti-tank mines. Use them to “hunt,” discipline the children, or whenever you feel a little bit antsy.
  Been denied a firearm because of a state-required background check? We created our own state! That’s right folks, when you enter ANTI-Eco, you’re no longer bound by “legislation,” “guidelines,” or “morality,” so you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, whoever you are.[1]
  Ever turn on the TV and get offended? With our new TV models, you won’t ever come in contact with things you disagree with. It’s exactly like your current TV, except without a pesky screen or politicized speakers. Or if you want to keep your current television, we can send over a qualified expert to disable the LIBERAL power cable. What’s more calming and unoffending than a box?
 Like computers but hate that they’re made by someone smarter than you? We now have models catered to your personality, including the Macdud, Samsnot, Noshiba, and Dell. Among our other products are Hawaiian flower t-shirts, Monster energy drinks, and NEW miniature handguns to teach your kids what a joke gun safety really is.
  So, if you’re ever in the neighborhood, stop on by. We guarantee you leave with something you aren’t legally permitted to have!


[1] Unless you’re a minority or gay.