ISSUE 17

<<<  PREVIOUS
NEXT  >>>
   
 Ever wonder how companies come up with their slogans? Super-intelligent, genetically-superior aliens disguised as underpaid interns. It’s really the only answer. They use their powers not for good, but for exploiting the human masses, renting an overpriced apartment in Brooklyn, and maybe just a little bit for funsies.  
 These underprivileged, unappreciated aliens work mind-numbing hours fifteen billion miles away from their home planet to sell a box of Cheerios. But what these aliens do is important; logos and slogans are important. A shoe box with an upside-down Nike swoop and “Just Don’t” on it is a failure, and Glog Galactagorix is going to get laid off. Though “Just Don’t” might produce some interesting shoe models, if by interesting you mean terrible.
 Nike shoes wouldn’t be the shoes of fast people anymore; no, open the box and it’d be a pair of wooden clogs—“For When You’re Just That Poor.” Their commercials would feature downhearted Dutch people trudging to work in the rain and clerks filling out paperwork.
  You might think the Dutch would think twice before buying a shoe that makes them slow, but you would be wrong. In a nation where the government hires a little boy to hold back the floodwaters with his finger shoved in a dam, the Dutch have more to worry about than a mile time. And they look at it this way: if you needed some extra wood for the stove, you have a pair of shoes that will get you through the night—though, of course, you won’t have any shoes after, which means they have to buy a new pair. Talk about a sustainable business model.  See, it’s all about the target audience. Try to sell an Apple computer with a large glowing scythe and “Conformity” written under it, and you’ll certainly do well in Russia. In the States, that sort of stuff sends mixed messages, which is kind of what Apple sends anyways. Does their slogan “Think Different” really apply when almost everyone has the same laptop? Is non-conformity only for those who can afford it?
 That barely touches McDonald’s and the aliens who have managed to market a hamburger that will bring world peace, happiness, and love. Legend has it that what Ray Kroc originally wanted for McDonald’s was a deranged clown with both thumbs-up saying, “Dead Animal Never Tasted So Good,” but luckily for him it didn’t work out that way. 
   
 But really branding isn’t solely a corporate gig anymore. Countries brand as much as companies, and really this is how America competes on a world stage now-a-days. You thought it was because of our exports? The only thing the US exports is the last of our national forests and a serving of extra-large freedom, by which we mean invading other countries because maybe they have some weapons stashed somewhere. What? We saw some blurry photos. We’ve got to check that out.  
  No, the US is a player because of the bald eagle. We’ve even managed to keep some of them alive, though that has been a struggle. The choice of America’s animal was fairly easy after George Washington saw a bald eagle single-handedly defeat an army of bears, crap on the British flag, start a small business, and then pop open a six-pack of beer and watch the dividends roll in on his diversified stock portfolio. At that moment, George was like, Brethren, we have found our nation’s bird.
  Other nation’s animals don’t stand a chance. No one knows any of Europe’s animals either because they suck, don’t exist, or they’ve killed all of them. England voted for a giant fog bank, the Irish wanted a leprechaun, and the closest China comes is the panda, which is really a depressed, overweight person dressed up in a costume. The Middle East has too much sand and internal struggle to spend time looking for animals, whereas Africa has too many dangerous animals to choose from. Russia’s animal used to be a bear—a bear whose legs fell off somewhere around 1991.
  So not only was George the President of the United States but he chose what could be the most badass animal to represent our nation. Oh, and he was definitely an alien, but we won’t get into that now. All that matters is America kicks butt, aliens are controlling your brain, clogs are hilarious, and dead animals never tasted so damn good.