ISSUE 16

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  Welcome to the 1-800-HEAVEN hotline. All prayer calls are recorded for quality-assurance purposes. Please visit our website at cash4salvation.org or one of our offices in Nebula Six. Business hours are from 9 am to 9:25 am every other Tuesday, alternating every two and a half months beginning in 33 AD.   
  For Christianity, press one. For Judaism, press two. For Islam, press three. For Atheism, please hang up and try again. If you hold to no religion or your religion is not listed, please convert and try again.   
  [1]
 Thank you for choosing Jesus Christ. We hope to resolve your issue shortly. Please enter your denomination using the alphanumeric keypad on your phone followed by the pound key.
  [6, 7, 6, 4…]
  Thank you for choosing Evangelical Southwestern Re-reformed Mumbling Buttlickers. To confess a sin, press one. To beg for the salvation of a loved one, press two. To request the damnation of an enemy, press three. To request divine favor for your athletic team, press four. To make a deal with God, press five. To tell God to go ---- himself, press six. To thank God for providing in a time of need, press seven. To question why God did not provide in a time of need, press eight. To make someone love you, press nine. To make someone stop loving you, press ten. To contest your afterlife placement, press eleven. Press twelve to hold for a heavenly representative.
  [12]
  Before I connect you with a qualified representative, I need to ask you some questions. From your birth to the present, how many times have you doubted your faith? Please note that any number but zero may delay the time in which your request is processed.   
  [0]
 Thank you for your honesty. Please estimate the number of lies from your birth to the present, not including lies told to children under the age of three.
  […]
  Great. We’re almost there. Just a few more questions. Do you hold to those precepts as established by the second council of Nicaea of 787 AD or those of the Council of Hieria of 754? Press one for Nicaea. Press two for Hieria.
  […] [2?]
   
  Thank you. Under the Augustinian precept of free will wherein God has chosen to make a human species which has the ability but not the prerequisite of choosing a freedom wherein they may take a course of action prescribed by faith or that prescribed by heresy and herein marginalize the role of God’s omniscience and omnipotence while emphasizing the liberty of the human species (Homo sapien) over said Almighty power, did this give you the ability if not the right to pretend to love Candice Josephson in the fifth grade in order to obtain her slice of pepperoni pizza, hereby knowing that said action would elicit immeasurable pain for said person after said pizza was eaten and said love was found to be simulated? Press one for yes. Press two for no. 
  […] [2?]
 Thank you. Please clearly state the greatest sin you have committed.
 […] Stealing the, ub, credit card information of coworkers.
 I’m sorry but I can’t understand what sin you committed. 
  Stealing the credit cards of people I work with.
 You have selected: parking ticket violation. Is this correct? Press one for yes. Press two for no.
  [2]
  Please try again. Please say your sin.  
  Stealing the cred…
  You have selected: murder of a trusted friend. Is this correct? Press one for…
  [2]
  Please try again. Enter…
  STEALING THE CREDIT CARDS OF…
 You have selected: taking kickbacks from an international drug cartel. Is this correct? Press one for yes. Press two for no.
  [1]
 Thank you. I’m sorry but all of our heavenly representatives are occupied. Hold time: fifty-nine years, two months, and twenty days. We appreciate your patience. Someone will be with you shortly.
  [Shrill Christmas Music]