THE SQUID WEEKLY​

ISSUE 14

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  Ever wish you could have a drink that makes you feel so so so AWESOME and ENERGETIC and ECO-CONSCIOUS, like you just nursed an abandoned baby bird to health or planted a tree, except without digging a hole? Try Smoothiest Smoothies!!!!!!!!! It’s healthy, organic, vegan, gluten-free, kale-friendly, Birkenstock-supported, natural, local, orangutan-certified, high-five-producing Enlightenment that is lovingly hand-crafted with sunshine, world peace, Bob Marley, bare feet, and yin yang.
  How do we make it? First, we join with impoverished South Americans who would be enslaved by drug lords but for Smoothiest Smoothies’ support. Then we build up sustainable relationships by holding meditation retreats, introducing them to hemp, and helping them to find their soul consciousness.
  Together with our malnourished South American friends, we hand-craft every single bottle individually for you. Then we hand-pick oranges, lemons, rambutan, qinoánodni, límórínóshóá, greenofleenies, baninis, taquinis, and other obscure fruits ancient Mayans offered to their gods and that local Guatemalans throw at tourists.
  With our hands, we then add five pounds of raw oats, a little organic compost, unicorn hair (freely given), natural leprechaun dust, and gluten-free Juju beans. We then take our hands and painstakingly mix it by hand for sixty-four hours, gently easing out the hand-mixed flavors and massaging the Juju beans to climax by hand. Once they’ve peaked, we let the smoothie air for four days and let our local flora and fauna sample it to see if it’s up to our high standards. Like our company mission states: If it’s not good enough for our wild boars, it’s not good enough for you. 
  The result is poured into a glass bottle made by local artisan Flying Brown Bear, a native Arapahoe who uses thousand-year-old buffalo-hunting knowledge to recycle glass. A painstaking, arduous process, each bottle takes about forty-eight hours to craft as the glass must be folded over in the presence of both lunar and solar rays while being blessed by the resident Arapahoe holy man. Like our second company mission states: If you don’t fall asleep waiting for your bottle, it probably wasn’t worth it anyways.
  This same bottle can also be used as a vase to hold weeds you’ve misidentified as flowers or as a gift to your hipster friend who collects this sort of thing. To recycle your glass, please take it by hand to the nearest person who looks Native American or Mexican, and he or she should know what to do with it.     

    
   
  Not only do we work with South Americans and Native Americans, but we also partner with our local religious, non-religious, kind-of-religious-but-not-the-church-going-type, and the utterly confused. Smoothiest Smoothies has been endorsed by Mahatma Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Obama, Muhammed, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  While touring our facility, Jesus commented, “The Smoothiest Smoothie elixir that is so delightful to thy poor and orphaned, which this company produceth, will giveth one salvation in heaven if thou shalt drink it in quantities hundredfold.”  
  But the amazing, awesome, happy, positive things about Smoothiest Smoothies don’t end there. For every bottle purchased, we will personally pet an orphaned kitten. For every twenty-four-pack purchased, we will start an anti-racism Facebook campaign. For every fifty-pack purchased, we will sell you the company.   
  You can find our product in Whole Foods, Natural Grocers, Vitamin Cottage, Whole Grocers, Natural Foods, Vitamin Foods, Whole Vitamins, and Natural-Whole-Cottage-Vitamin Foods or direct from our headquarters in the back of Pete’s van. When you find our product, please put some in front of the Naked and Odwalla juices because Naked Juice CAUSES BRAIN CANCER and Odwalla ABUSES BABY BUNNIES.    
  At Smoothiest Smoothies, we are a discrimination-free, safe, pro-tolerance, anti-hate, awkwardly long hug environment. We accept everyone no matter what race, gender, orientation, weight, height, ring size, coffee preference, literature taste, or Hogwarts house identification. We are tolerant of everything but intolerance and Conservatives.
  If you have any questions about our beliefs, practices, or smoothies, please see the photos of local Colombians picking mangos, the ridiculously cute Mexican child holding a trowel backwards, or the group photo of us looking sweaty. Like our Facebook page, follow us on Twitter and Instagram, read our WordPress blog, watch our YouTube channel, and read our new book: Smoothiest Smoothies: The Smoothiest Ever? Thank you for your support!


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Read on good reader! Feast on the future of brain chips.​​ 

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