ISSUE 124

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 This summer join us at the Realistic Film Festival, a gathering that supports the everyman and everywoman in their quest to find decent beer, cheap toilet paper, and some solitude from the egotistic, wailing children they love so dearly. The festival’s purpose is to follow normal people, not mountain climbers or adventurers, but people who won’t read something if it’s more than four paragraphs and don’t run ever.
 First in our list of films is Detour. This film comes last in a series of films, Is This Traffic Light Broke or What? and Damn You and Your Toyota Camry to Hell.
 It follows David in his attempt to get to the grocery store past construction on 28th. Will he make it? Will the construction worker ever turn his sign from “stop” to “slow,” or will he be forever stuck in the hell that exists between a Ford F-250 and a Lincoln Navigator? What are the workers doing anyways? It looks kind of like they’re just standing there and looking at a hole.  
 As the time slips away, you will experience the tension that listening to thirty minutes of jackhammering provides. We provide ear protection, something unfortunately David did not have during the six-month filming.
 Director Geoff Lawrence remarked that Detour would be the last of his vehicle-orientated films, as he took the Public Transportation Oath late in January. His next films will involve only the bus and the train and waiting for the bus and the train. He reports that it’s going well, except that he struggles with bus drivers who are freaking nuts and who probably shouldn’t be driving a bus.
 Next is Stroll, Pause, Ducks, consisting of an afternoon walk in the park featuring that new couple who is so touchy-feely you can barely call them human. This film has been hailed by critics as broaching the frontiers of obscenity, not because it involves adult situations, violence, or language but because, just... ugh, can they stop being alive already? The highlight of this film is where the couple feeds some ducks—disregarding the “Don’t Feed The Birds” sign—and then get arrested by the police.   
 Then, we have the breathless Did It Send, and They’re Slow at Responding to Email, or Should I Risk Looking like a Needy Moron and Send a Duplicate Copy? This film is the longest in our lineup, topping a tense ninety minutes.    
 Flipping through a Facebook feed, reading about social anxiety disorder on Wikipedia, constantly refreshing Gmail, frying an egg—you’ll see it all as the protagonist Emma tries to ignore her frayed nerves and unease. The ending is guaranteed to make you sigh—in relief probably, as you don’t have to see any more shots of a woman staring into the distance.​ 
 For this film, indie director Maria Jacinto was inspired by a fraught relationship with a boss, friends who are no longer friends, insecurity, and men. Jacinto remarks, “Too often have I sent a poop emoji and regretted it.”
 Our last film is in three parts: Help! I Can’t Reach the Iron followed by Where’s the Ironing Board? and finishing with I Actually Think This Shirt Looks Fine. Interestingly, the film is shot from the perspective of the iron, forcing you to think, As an inanimate object, how would I respond to this? and Wow. I never realized how tough an iron’s life is. Seeing as irons cannot move or see, the film consists of a black screen and people talking, though at one point you can hear a cat meow.
 The film is shot in Chile because they have irons there too. Under specific instructions from the producer, the film will not feature subtitles and will be spoken entirely in a dialect of Spanish you couldn’t understand even if you spoke a decent Spanish.  
 Critics have voted the film as most likely to change the audience’s preconceptions of reality, which either hints to the greatness of the film or that we are really grasping here. Only you can decide.
 So, sit down, get comfortable, and prepare yourself. Prepare to wonder where the bathroom is in this auditorium. Prepare for uncomfortable seats. Prepare yourself for reality.
   
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