ISSUE 123

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​ DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO READ THIS ADVERTISEMENT? If you do, then consider exercising with us: THE BRO-IEST OF THE BROS and the SHE-BRO-IEST OF THE SHE-BROS.
 At Muscly Muscles Gym, we create the environment of an abusive religious cult combined with a Viking warship, a dance party, and being trapped in a whale. Our enthusiasts love to exercise in claustrophobic spaces with sweat, violence, and chanting. And we throw things at you because we can. TAKE THAT GOAT YOGA.
 You may wonder why there are so many chains and skeletons hanging from the wall. If they had skin, you would notice their tan bodies and perfectly conformed yoga pants. Also, the bloody mace in the corner is for DECORATIVE PURPOSES, except when it’s used to beat down the slowest members of our class. So… a decorative object that’s functional.
 We have structured classes for everyone from minor deities to people moving their house’s foundations to moms who RIP OPEN CANS with their hands.
 ROCKS. The class for people who love granite, who have been told, “You have a heart of stone,” “You are stubborn like a brick,” or “You have the brain of a pebble”—not the size of a pebble but the brain of an actual pebble.
 The ROCKS functional training is functional, so functional that you can use it in functioning functions. Functional! There are rocks everywhere, and all of them can be moved slightly to the left. The class offers a natural progression from small rocks to bigger rocks to rocks that are too heavy for any human to lift—any human without BULL HORMONES that is.
 ROWING. This class lasts fifteen months and involves a cross-Atlantic journey with REAL CONVICTS. Our trained instructors will whip you and SENSIBLY tear down your self-esteem while you row for fourteen hours, deal with a vitamin deficiency, and fend off the rats who got in the bull hormones. And NO, you are not a slave—even slaves don’t pay to be slaves.
 With ROWING, bleeding after a workout can be a reality. When others brag about how sore they are, you can show them the gangrenous wounds on your back and tell them how your instructor is an ambitious, burly superhuman who can move a dump truck with his testicles. YEAH. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOSE A CONVERSATION, KATELYN?​ 
 FLEEING. Ever watch a nature program where a deer tears through underbrush to escape a slavering, deranged wolf? Imagine the deer is you, and the wolf is still a wolf. The great thing in FLEEING is if you survive, you survive.
 The Muscly Muscles gym may be ABUSIVE at times. We might collect your tears and sell them to you as an energy drink. We might give a tomahawk to a mental ward patient and tell him you were the one responsible for the FLYING WEASELS. We might put you in police exercises to run from German Shepherds with a zero tolerance for anyone with a bag of cocaine and a big butt.
 Our instructors simply make you into the greatest human possible by yelling hurtful things at you. When they describe you as having “the fleshless consistency of a maggot” or “the flabby arms of a North Korean dictator,” they mean “I see your potential to rule peasants with a ruthlessness that belies your chubby face.”  
 We also have SUPPLEMENTS, and some of them are made of DEAD ELEPHANTS. Their power will become your power. Their thick, strong legs will be your thick, strong legs. And if our test subjects are any guide, their floppy ears will be your floppy ears.
 Some gyms promise. We deliver WITH THE FORCE OF A STAR EXPLOSION. This is our promise. No free trials, only your ass handed to you for eighty dollars per month. JOIN OUR GYM NOW.
   
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