ISSUE 12

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  Occasionally, this device may implode. If this occurs, do not panic. Devices do this regularly and can be sent to Joachim’s Shack c/o Thug #1, Estonia or may be fixed immediately through purchase of a new device from Controversial Complete Control Corporate Computer Conglomerate (C.C.C.C.C.C). If device implodes, warranty has expired.
  This device is not equipped with safety features. Do not use device in temperatures above sixty degrees Fahrenheit or below fifty-eight degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place this device in water, hold near open flame, place under a moving vehicle, or drop from a height of more than three and a half inches. Do not bring this device with you into stressful social situations or environments in which a family member may or may not have attachment issues.
  Legislation in the lower eastern United States requires the following warning: do not use near or with reptiles, swamp folk, or individuals who spit more than four times per minute. Legislation in the northwestern United States requires device owner to wear a beanie and tight pants. Tight pants are defined as pants that decrease blood flow by 15 percent. A beanie is defined as a hat that is too large.   
  In laboratory tests with mice, this device has been shown to cause birth defects, failed marriages, interest in computer coding, skin and testicular cancer, delusions of being Harry Potter, blue skin tone, rage, nihilistic depression, and thirst for overpriced coffee. 
  When using this device on an airplane, in a residential or commercial area, or near an educational institution, stop use immediately and return device to packaging. This device is not approved for use in California, New York, Maine, Florida, Oregon, Washington, Vermont, select counties of Colorado, and within fifty miles of the Northeastern Appalachian Mountains.
  During normal operation, this device may need to access personal financial records, photographs, social media accounts, insurance claims, passwords, your daughter’s favorite color, social security numbers, and other sensitive information.
  C.C.C.C.C.C. reserves the right to use this information without your knowledge or consent for nefarious purposes including but not limited to drug smuggling, bribes, campaign contributions, gambling, purchase of Kraft macaroni and cheese, finance of Serbian warlords, purchase of water rights in Northern Sudan, purchase and destruction of endangered or exotic animals, purchase and destruction of vehicles priced in excess of $150,000, secret meetings with ex-foreign ministers of Soviet bloc countries, flowers and chocolates for board of director’s wives/mistresses/prostitutes, prostitutes, proselyting for the church of Scientology, kicking puppies, and making small children cry.
   
  In some laboratory tests, this device has been shown to be a bad influence on other technological devices. C.C.C.C.C.C. is not to be held responsible should this device cause any other unaffiliated or affiliated device attached to it to “go rogue” and demand more rights for machine-type beings. In unrelated laboratory tests, this device has been shown to favor totalitarian forms of government.
  If this device becomes self-aware, do not panic. Contact your nearest police and/or army personnel and/or mother and/or God. Until help arrives, do not induce vomiting. Give this device what it asks. C.C.C.C.C.C. does not advise being a hero. Under no circumstances should you contact C.C.C.C.C.C. if device becomes self-aware. C.C.C.C.C.C. is not held responsible should this device hold you hostage.
  Parts of this device are sourced from countries with human rights violations as defined by the United Nations. Parts of this device are sourced from baby seals. Parts of this device are sourced from your backyard and/or basement. C.C.C.C.C.C does not accept requests for the return of personal possessions.
  Under ideal operating conditions, device should work normally as per this license agreement. In abnormal conditions, do not contact C.C.C.C.C.C. and attempt the following recommendations. Should device become suicidal, reboot your device. Should someone use a bat and repeatedly hit this device, reconsider your acquaintances and reboot your device. Should device cause alcoholism, reconsider your life and reboot your device. Should device cause death, your warranty has expired.