ISSUE 117

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 Each year Selfish Dickhead Disease infects more people than cancer and modern pop music combined. Symptoms include not listening, listening but in a condescending way, taking the last brownie, telling everyone how brownies are unhealthy and you’re on a diet, and being terrible.
 When you encounter someone with the disease, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHY THEY ARE AN ASSHOLE. This will end with someone not being allowed back to Whole Foods. Simply give them this test and the results should make it clear to everyone.
 What is your least favorite color?
   A. Blue
   B. Red
   C. Democracy
   D. Whatever color you chose to paint your house
 How much money would it take for you to sell a casual acquaintance into slavery?
   A. It depends.
   B. I’ve already done that and would like to do more
   of it in the future.
   C. Slavery is wrong—though I’ve thought about it.
   D. Twenty dollars in cash. Would also accept a       money order.
 When there is a person behind you in the grocery store line and they have one item and you have a lot, do you let them go in front of you?
   A. Yes
   B. No because first-come-first-to-say-piss-off-I-
   was-in-line-first
   C. Are they attractive? Because that’s all that matters
   in a situation like this.
   D. It depends what they’re buying. If they’re a white
   bread sort of person, then no. If it’s wheat or whole
   grain, then yes. If it’s sourdough, then yes—but with
   stipulations.
 Who would you choose to be your sidekick if you were a superhero?
   A. Robin
   B. An actual robin
   C. The Pillsbury doughboy
   D. Anger
 If a train was heading toward a group of people and you could save them, but in doing so you would have to sacrifice a very large man to stop the train, would you sacrifice the large man?
   A. Yes, but I would feel bad because I murdered
   someone. I would also be impressed because I could
   move a man heavy enough to stop a train.
   B. No. And I would still feel bad.
   C. If I pushed him, is it a thing where I could blame
   it on his lifestyle?
   D. How many people are there, and how grateful
   would they be? Like, lots-of-money grateful or
   Hallmark-card grateful?  
 When a cruise liner is sinking, who do you save?
   A. Women, children, and the elderly
   B. As many pastries as can fit in a suitcase
   C. Someone meaty… for when someone on the life
   raft has to go
   D. Anyone but Kelsey
 Do you have any interest in giving time or money to help others?
   A. Does this question have a trick answer?
   B. I do already.
   C. Yes—but only if someone from Doctors Without
   Borders or Amnesty International bothers me.
   D. Say I see bedraggled children or like a lady
   without an arm or something, then maybe.  
   
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