ISSUE 114

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 Someone wants to steal your dated crap? Consider the Lock Down security system. With Lock Down, you have complete control over everything in your life except your family and your health. No one will ever take your cheap jewelry or the expired drugs from your hernia surgery or the old cellphones you don’t know how to recycle. Still not convinced? Take a look at our FAQ.  
 Is it a “smart” system?
 Lock Down is run by an AI personality—Alexa, Siri, Cortana, Ralph—who is ninety-eight percent on your side. Two percent of the time the garage door shuts on your car.
 Can I look at the UPS people when they come to deliver
packages?
 Yes.
 Can I use a speaker, ask them to put the packages inside, and open the door remotely?
 Yes.
 Can I shock them because they look foreign, and I don’t want them to get any wrong ideas? 
 Wait, what?  
 WHAT DO I WHEN IT’S TRYING TO KILL ME?
 The problem with your house trying to murder you is the house is trying to murder you. And it controls everything it needs to do it. It could pressurize the water heater until it becomes a rocket and shoots through the roof. It could leak carbon monoxide gas until you suffocate in your sleep. It could eject forks out of the dishwasher at your face.  
 Could I ever get locked out of my house?
 Yes. When a system has to upgrade to increased functionality, it is incapable of basic tasks, like unlocking a door or keeping the heat on.
 Don’t worry. Our clients may call Lock Down support, who will call IT, who will call a locksmith, who will call the fire department, who will say there’s nothing they can do except wait. They could break a window—but this would activate the anti-theft guard, which involves far more bear traps than they are comfortable with.
 What if my neighbor comes in to take care of my cat while I’m on vacation?
 As soon as he or she opens the front door, an alarm will be activated, and if the clearance code is not entered within fifteen seconds, the house will explode. This is unfortunate but what can you do?

 Couldn’t you design a system that doesn’t make the house explode?
 Not really. We’ve raised the issue with our specialists, and they told us there is absolutely no other way to design the system. In order for you to be safe, the house must explode.
 What about my cat?
 What about your cat?
 How invasive is this technology?
 Once the cameras, motion sensors, monitors, one-way glass, full body scanners, and giant weasels have been installed and activated, you will be observed beyond what would seem to be legal. Our security staff will be gazing, watching, and staring at these cameras 24/7 to ensure your safety. If someone’s attacking you, we’ll be there. If you cut yourself while slicing an onion, we’ll be there. If you run out of toilet paper, we’ll be there. 
 Is there any way I can turn this technology off once it’s installed?
 No. If you wish to cancel your plan, you will need to do several things, some involve battling us physically, some involve battling us in court, some involve battling a dragon.
 If some thieves break in and Lock Down catches them, do I get to slap them around a bit?
 Only if you purchase the Gold Plan.  
 This all sounds like Big Brother from Orwell’s 1984. How do I know your intentions are good?
 They aren’t. The only way you could conclude we have your best intentions in mind is being shamefully ignorant. 
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