ISSUE 113

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 Citing a city that is “whiter than a Nazi rally,” Boulder City Council voted to attempt to import people of disadvantaged groups.
 “We want every minority to know they are respected, appreciated, valued, esteemed, cherished, beloved, adored, and worth about eight white males each,” city council member Deborah Landis said. “You get first dibs on dessert, a free hat, and an extra five hundred dollars every time we play Monopoly. Plus, we will feel extra bad if we forget your name.”
 First, the city plans to find out what minorities want in a city. Are they all the same? Do black people eat organic food? Should we remove all black licorice and coffee and asphalt from the city? Or should we increase the number of black things? If we start speaking a broken Spanish, would that help Hispanics? How about a few more Panda Express locations for Asians?
 “Let’s be honest here,” council member Laurie Johnson said, “we have no idea what minorities are like. I’ve never seen a black person. I didn’t know they were real until a couple years ago.”
 To discover the answers to these questions, the city recently introduced surveys on attractive cream paper.
 “It took a long time to decide on cream, believe me,” council member Brian Weatherstein said. “We were thinking desert tan or beige, then Jan screams, ‘THAT’S FUCKING INSANITY,’ and so we went with the cream.”
 However, with no minorities to question, the council has given the surveys to Caucasians who promise to complete it how they think a minority would.
 “We’ve gotten quite a few back,” Weatherstein said, “and the results are promising.”
 The council has also formed a committee on “Reducing Our Collective Ignorance By Asking Intrusive Questions And Worrying If We’re Acting Like A Racist.” The committee is formed of average Boulder citizens who have experience with other cultures.
 “I have a Hispanic friend from Longmont, and I eat a lot of burritos,” committee member John Silverstein said. “So yeah, I’m on the committee.”
​ City officials have also sought to rebrand the city with a new slogan: “The Blackest City On Earth.” “We Promise We Don’t Even Know How To Be Racist.” “Se Habla Español.” “Please. My Teenager Needs To Do A Project On Racial Diversity, And He Hasn’t Even Started Yet.”
 Focus groups report most cities don’t have slogans and when they do, the slogans tend to be cheesy, like “Cleveland Rocks!” and “Detroit – Housing Has Never Been More Affordable.”
 “We don’t care,” council member Fred Harrison said. “Good cities have slogans.”
 The Anti-Everything Group has raised concern over the value and efficacy of the city’s efforts, citing trees, infrastructure, the economy, border security, border insecurity, their discomfort around Arabs, and the amount of promotional literature printed.
 “The council printed over two million flyers,” Anti-Everything Group leader Megatron said. “And half the page was smiley faces. That’s just a waste. What we need is whiter people, maybe Scots or Scandinavians, the point being to reflect more of the sun’s rays and end climate change.” 
 Many citizens have expressed unease with the policy, reporting it’s about liberal insecurity and the need to know they’re “one of the good ones.”
 “Ugh,” long-time Boulder resident Ronald Harrison said.
 As of yet, no minorities have moved to Boulder. In response, the council is considering an ultimatum: Either come here or we’ll respect your choice not to come here. This demand has not been issued, however.
 Should this last resort be unsuccessful, the council reports they have a fall back.
 In a pinch,” Weatherstein said, “we would be willing to tan some people and pretend they’re Hispanic.”
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