ISSUE 112

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 How should you cope with a partial government shutdown? When you can’t visit a Civil War battlefield because some Mexicans want a better life working at a canning factory for minimum wage, their problem becomes your problem.
 1. Follow the news. There’s nothing better for a partial government shutdown sufferer than hearing how the government is still partially shut down. You can follow breaking reports on how compromise hasn’t been reached and how long the average government employee can survive on rice.  
 2. Don’t be a government employee. The only thing worse than working with the government is working for the government, a fact evident to whoever has dealt with, heard of, paid fines to, or mistaken the DMV for a place they quarantine terminally ill people.  
 As a government employee, you are the government, but in a greater sense, you spend all your time dealing with the government. This means you have to deal with people who are dealing with people who have to deal with the government, and if there’s anything worse than dealing with the government, it’s dealing with people who are dealing with people dealing with the government.
 3. Build a bomb-proof shelter. As a general rule, a nuclear-fallout shelter and ten-years-worth of canned beans are nice things to have around, not only for hosting dinner parties but also for when Russia gets a little too friendly.  
 Plus, who knows when a partial government shutdown becomes a full government meltdown? You know when. It’s right after the US refuses to eat mashed carrots but before it’s told that’s it, you’re going to bed. Once the US is banished to bed, the sun might as well have exploded.
 4. Appreciate the country we live in. In uncivilized places like France, a government shutdown would call for riots, pillaging, looting, screaming, burning, crisping, sautéing, browning, frying, and a light searing until an equally undemocratic government is placed in power.
​ In these places, things only get done when the balaclava and the wine-bottle-turned-explosives are pulled out of the closet. And who can get paperwork for a solar panel rebate in a climate like that? Not you, that’s who. 
  In civilized countries, things are done when one party rams policy down the pipes of government, like a massive hair clog someone flushes down the toilet that takes the plumber four hours to get out. Then he leaves and that person’s enemy flushes more hair down, maybe adding a toothbrush and a ball of wax because fuck it.
 5. Move to a different country. Instead of worrying about illegal immigrants coming to the US, be the illegal immigrant going to Mexico. It’s called reverse psychology, like eating a banana peel and throwing away the banana.
 It will be the new trend, sparking a mass exodus. And once potential immigrants see a backwoods Arkansian roasting a possum over a tire fire, they may question how great the US really is.
 6. Express disapproval. You too can show your discontent by muttering, grumbling, and cursing under your breath. Practice pissing disgruntled nonsense like “If I were in power, I make some big changes.” Don’t lie. You would be mired in DC like everyone else, desperate to find a dry patch of land where the lobbyists can’t eat you. 
 7. Take a side. Everyone on the other side is the problem. This is what’s so good about being on the right side. You aren’t stubborn. It’s those goddamn, thick-headed, no-good, scurvy-ridden, flea-bitten, morally defunct, rodent-like Americans who value your life less than a gun/endangered animal.
 8. Gather the facts. Understanding the speed of a lion at full sprint and the snow fall record in Alaska will come in handy at some point in your life. Not necessarily during a government shutdown but sometime.
    
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