ISSUE 110

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 In the future, climate change will affect cows, strangely formed fish, and people with uneven heads—as well as the rest of the world. Migrating birds will be more okay where they’re at. This will be deemed laziness by some and efficiency by others. Wherever the geese settle, however, people agree they’ve overstayed their welcome.
 Sea levels will rise, leaving ocean life pleased with how things turned out. Great white sharks, tuna, and plastic bags will enjoy exploring the ins and outs of downtown New York, perusing the shops and enjoying New Year’s Eve in Times Square, even though they have no concept of time or money.
 The polar ice caps will melt completely, leaving polar bears to spontaneously evolve fins and gills, a twist not even the most radical scientists will foresee. The bears will quickly supplant the place of sharks, becoming the new terror of the ocean. Baby bear sharks will be bizarre and adorable, the proper reaction being “Awww, that is so… hmmm.”  
 Hollywood will release several movies in response, including Bear Shark, Bear Shark Returns, and Why Won’t You Die Already Bear Shark? The movies will be okay, being more of an excuse to watch bear sharks bite off the legs of snotty rich people. Reviewers agree the second one is the best, as it redefines what it means to be a bear in a shark world.
 Citizens of Bangladesh and other low-lying countries will be inundated under three feet of water, and our fearless leaders will relocate them to Siberia and Canada. Transporting over one hundred fifty million people will be an issue, but luckily the world comes together, combines their resources, and relocates everyone within a year without any problems. So yeah… that’s believable.
 After realizing there isn’t much infrastructure in Siberia or the Yukon, the world leaders will reconsider their master plan, finally deciding “to hammer things out into a win-win situation with big picture answers and all hands on deck.” Many people will die. Eventually, with a few trillion dollars spent, the Bangladeshis will make reusable grocery bags and eco-friendly straws for middle-upper-class Americans.
 It will also be cold, and the Bangladeshis will not have brought coats, having been told they were being relocated somewhere balmy with attractive people. The attractive people are caribou. The balmy weather is five months of winter. A few million geese—only the really annoying ones—will be used to make more down jackets, and everyone will think, Huh. Well, that worked out well.  
 Some species will adapt and thrive, like pigeons and rats. Those in charge will gussy them up to appear more “sexy” and “accessible.” Several rats will be given a full beauty treatment, mascara, manicures, tans. This will not help. They will still be rats.
 Season three of Planet Earth will focus on the durability and obstinacy of the world’s varmints and will be shot mostly in sewers. It will not be on Netflix, though it will be on Hulu.
 In other places the earth will be warmer, and shorts will be the clothing item of choice. Those blessed with muscular calves will be proud to display them while people with weird or hairy legs will be ashamed.
 Forest fires will be more prevalent as well as hurricanes, and a group will push to integrate the two to cancel them out. The plan involves wind turbines centered in the Atlantic Ocean, set on a high speed, pointing west, the goal being to blow the storms to Colorado and California. Most informed people will say it won’t work, that it’s a terrible idea, that only an absolute moron would think it was close to reasonable. And they will be right.
 By 2100, everyone will realize two things. One, rebranding hurricanes as “an introduction to the joys of minimalism” is a bad idea. Two, dropping a bunch of marshmallows into a forest fire to mass produce roasted marshmallows is not a viable business option. The latter will make the news, and people will laugh far more than is reasonable, like they were tired of everything but didn’t know what else to do. 
   
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