Supporters of SCCCM say they “definitely aren’t stuttering,” only that they want to reinforce the holiday’s original roots: the birth of a baby deity from outer space who was also an omnipotent geriatric with a beard, the rededication of a Jewish temple, and all the rest.
“We need more holiday spirit,” Lolita Gutierrez, a SCCCM supporter, said as she dressed up her dog in a shepherd costume that looked too tight. “Lots more. Just everything—trees, feasting, Jesus, angels, candles, carols, tinsel, religion, ornaments, tinsel, presents, tinsel…”
She then offered everyone a Christmas cookie, which, according to people familiar with the cookies, were “really bad.”
In general, the conflict between the two sides remains peaceful. However, this past Black Friday members of both groups were found in a Target parking lot—on one side, members of the Mas death squad; on the other, a collection of frantic SCCCM followers. Both sides wanted the best deal on a PS4, an AeroBed inflatable mattress, and whatever sweater that one chick was wearing in the ad.
In only fifteen minutes, a car was rolled into the store, sixty iPhones were stolen, three individuals were scalped, and a real baby was mistaken for a doll and purchased for $15.99. Then there was silence.
“When I was beating this guy senseless, I realized we aren’t so different,” Mary Williams remarked while feeding Doritos to her newly bought child. “Despite our differences, we can focus on a common goal: buying a vacuum that’s going to break in three months.”
The Black Friday incident leaves the two groups at an uneasy truce, though most expect the disagreement to blow over by January anyways.
Target dismissed the incident, reporting it was “a lot better than normal” for a Black Friday.