Join the crazy people who have already begun digging underground bunkers, buying up land mines, and stockpiling clean underwear in their basement. Do you have everything you need? What about a toaster?
To be sure you’re ready, use this checklist for your most important items.
A hefty bludgeoning weapon. Being able to incapacitate people with something dense and bulky will come in handy in any apocalyptic situation. Someone wants the last can of beans? HEFTY BLUDGEONING WEAPON. Someone gets a little handsy? HEFTY BLUDGEONING WEAPON. Someone pulls out a gun? HEFTY… well, maybe try to talk it out.
A map. Everyone knows the first thing to go is cell phone reception, which means no Facebook, no Twitter, and no funny cat videos. Time to return to paper, a compass, and going the wrong direction for an embarrassingly long time. You too can ignore someone telling you you’re heading straight to the robot zombies—because that’s right, they combined.
With a map, you gain all sorts of power. Walking down a lonely stretch of highway, you can tell Jennifer, “No, that wasn’t the exit” and “I realize this isn’t where we wanted to be but if you ignore the smell, scenery, and criminals, I’m sure Greeley is a nice place.”
An all-terrain vehicle. While people may doubt the use of a tank now, they won’t when you get out of town by driving over the traffic jam. Of course, until the apocalypse, the tank could be a bother. Your neighbors might dispute the legality of owning a giant war machine, the same one that destroyed their mailbox and might be parked on their cat. If this happens, just remind them who has the cannon on their vehicle and who has the solar panels.
Nail clippers. On day five hundred and sixty, most survivors will have claws, and when they’re not retractable, they aren’t as convenient as one would think. You, however, will have clean, manicured nails and anyone who’s not dead will be jealous.