ISSUE 105

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 Super Snacks are the only dietary choice to give you actual superpowers. When science is breaking through barriers like a big barrier breaking thing, Supersnackasaurus Inc. is breaking through science like an even bigger barrier breaking thing. So… take that science.
 Other snacks may promise things, like health and taste and natural ingredients. We promise you will be able to rip the spine out of a dead wildebeest and fly faster than a bird belted to an airplane wing. Yeah. How’s that for marketing?
 Physically speaking, the transformation will be epic. Three months of eating Super Snacks will make you like those tanned, muscled behemoths from Mr. Olympia competitions. You see them and immediately rethink everything you know and want to know about body image, like My god, what happened to these people? This mutant could be you—except you may have a big, fluffy tail and breathe fire.
 We don’t have to do anything to prove our product. No commercials or free giveaways or information booths. We simply reference the woman on the news who singlehandedly battled three tanks and an entire infantry platoon. If you look very closely, you’ll see she’s wearing one of our t-shirts.
 Her name is Martha, and she is an eighty-eight-year-old machine—and that’s really the only way to describe her. Her grandchildren have no idea what to do with all of the cookies she makes, not to mention her hugs, which are intense and go anywhere from a minute to two hours. Imagine being put in an industrial washing machine with a large polar bear, and you can envision Martha’s embrace.      
 Our product turns capitalists into Marxists and Marxists into capitalists, which means no one knows what’s going on when you eat these. Neuroimaging has shown the whole brain in tie-dye, which the doctors say is bad. They were vague on what it means, but you can expect some crazy dreams and cancer, though definitely the coolest form of cancer.    
 Some have said Super Snacks taste like a Jelly Bean you find in the back of the pantry that is no longer a Jelly Bean but not not a Jelly Bean either. The chemical structure has so crystalized it’s more of a sugary pebble that makes you hallucinate. But our bar has the benefit of being shoved full of so many artificial ingredients it irradiates anything within a two-foot radius, including—if you so desire—your organs.
 The secret is in the ooze. You see, it’s so very oozy. Our competitors—Nature Valley, Quest Bars, Lärabar, Clif bar, bananas, other protein bars, Sophie’s lemonade stand—can’t touch that. And trust us, they’ve tried.
 Super Snacks are not sugar-free or healthy in any sense, which may be all you need to hear. It has so much sugar our manufacturer took us aside and asked if we actually planned on going through with this. He had grave doubts about production, mostly because our test mice exploded. In a good-faith gesture, we gave him one hundred million dollars, and now you can find Super Snacks in between Oreos and Cheez-Its.
 Why would anyone want to eat something the FDA has deemed “diabolical” and “not guaranteed to make you a superhero”? Have you read anything in this advertisement? You get to be a superhero. You can lift a fifteen-story building. You can walk through walls and spit acid and do a lot of other nontraditional things.
 But how do we operate? Are we ethical and sustainable? We’re going to be honest and say our business practices are brutal, some would even say barbaric. It might have to do with our fascination for the guillotine or simply because we never learned to express love in a healthy way.
 Our competitors are few, both because our product is niche as shit and because we bomb the competition. Those who did not die were integrated into our company as peacefully as possible, though most do not have their right hand.
 With our catchy slogans and our muscular mascot with two heads, you shouldn’t worry about the details. You should just think, Oh boy! I am subconsciously attracted to the color red, and I want to buy as many of these as I can. This is a good response. Remember that only through consuming this product can you become the freak evolution intended you to be.     
   
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